There are so many beautiful things about being a mother. Creating another life that is a part of you and is yours forever is really a magical thing if you think about it! But there are so many things about motherhood that are just, how can I put it? A pain in the damn ass. Every day isn’t sunshine and rainbows! Here is a list I have compiled in my short time as a mama.
1. Night time diaper changes. Changing diapers is actually much more annoying than I anticipated. Charlotte always uses diaper change time as a chance to kick her legs like a salsa dancer or to straighten them out and lock them in place. And those are just the good times. She also likes to go to the bathroom the second I take the diaper OFF. During the day I don’t mind diaper change time as much as it annoys me at night. Eric works all night so unfortunately I am always on night duty (except for the weekends where he takes over THANK THE LAWD) and while I never mind waking up to feed her, (I have perfected rolling over and sticking my boob into her mouth and then just going back to sleep) I really hate waking up to change her diaper. Ninety percent of the time I spend more time questioning whether or not I can get away with not changing her than it would take to actually change her. The worst.
2. Nail care. Why is it that this child’s nails grow faster than a weed? She has talons! I have to take care of them at least twice a week or else she scratches her face in one of her FEED ME NOW OR FEEL MY WRATH fits. Right now she has a tiny cut on her nose from her beast nails. Nail care would seem to be something simple except for the fact that the child nail clippers are the same size as adults and her fingers are smaller than a thimble. I just cannot do it AT ALL. So, since birth I have filed her nails with a buffer and/or bitten them and it is always such a production because she has to be out cold or else she starts slapping me in the face. I really hope I’m not the only person to bite their baby’s nails. We do what we have to do to survive, right?
3. Nose situations. Sometimes Charlotte gets a stuffy nose and I see a booger in there. Getting shit out of your 6 week old baby’s nose is like playing a game of Operation. You have to maneuver ever so slightly and if you win you are awarded with a booger, and if you lose you are awarded with the wails of the damned. Neither of those options seem like a game I want to play. Yesterday I had to put a drop of saline in her nose and use the dreaded booger sucker and what a production that was. She screamed at me and kicked me in the tit and I’m pretty sure she did it on purpose. I never got that booger out either so I wasn’t even rewarded with anything. I have literally never typed the word booger so many times.
4. Putting the baby into the car seat. She loves being in the car and goes to sleep almost immediately, she loves going for walks, but going into the infant carrier that leads to the car or to a walk is such an ordeal. She screams like I’m putting her into an electric chair. In the beginning I was certain that I was hurting her somehow because I never heard such screams, but now I just yell right back at her. It doesn’t work, but it makes me feel better. So if you ever hear me going “stop being so difficult Charlotte I’m not trying to kill you dear god PLEASE CALM DOWN” just know that everything is fine and I’m just trying to place my child in the safety seat that will protect her from death in the event of a car accident. I wish she knew I was doing something NICE for her!
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