Back to Life, Back to Reality

Hello friends! It’s been a while. Since I’ve last written we’ve had many changes abound. Mackenzie is a full blown walker – her little gorilla scoot is practically non-existent and it makes me so sad. It’s true what they say, once they take those first few steps they’ll be running in no time. I’m still surprised to catch her running past me. I have also gotten her down to one nap, which I think was the problem with her waking up 500 times a night. Now she takes a 2 to 2 1/2 hour nap a day and sleeps sooooo nice all night! And by so nice I mean she still wakes up once but HEY I can manage that! I’ll enjoy this until something else screws up the schedule.

Charlotte started first grade last week and she was so, so, so excited to go to school. And then she realized first grade is nothing like kindergarten and she looks like she’s fought a battle when she gets home. She was expecting to go back to toys and center times and fun things, but alas, those days are gone. This is another reason why I’m upset COVID f’ed everything up, because her “play” years at school were basically non-existent. But she’s there every day and this is a big improvement from last year. There are some things that still suck – recess isn’t really recess. She told me they have to just sit outside with their masks on. And at gym they just walked around in circles to music? She has gym again today and threw an absolute fit over it because honestly, who wants to walk around in circles? I am hoping as the year progresses some things start to become a little more normal for them. Only time will tell.

In the biggest news – I’m back at work full time for the first time since all of this shit started. It’s only been three days and it is a huge adjustment to say the least. On Monday night I had a panic attack at 7 PM and had to sit in the shower and chill the F out. Yesterday was much better and I am hoping every day gets a little easier. I’ve gotten a pretty good schedule down for myself, and while I am now waking up at 5 AM to exercise and get breakfasts and lunches packed, it is becoming more manageable. What is not becoming more manageable is the absolute guilt I feel every day. When I get home both girls are clinging to me. Mackenzie obviously wants me immediately and then Charlotte starts in with “you have been gone all day and you love Mackenzie more.” I hate it. I keep telling myself how absolutely lucky I was to spend SO much time with them over these last 18 months and they will get used to this, but it’s easier said than done. I’ve gone from spending every waking minute with Mackenzie to only seeing her for two hours a day at most. It’s really, really hard. And when I am home I still have so many other things that have to get done when all I want to do is sit on the couch with them. Dinner, homework, cleaning. It’s just a lot. I know my working moms out there can understand. Oh well, we do the best we can with what we have, right?