Last night my beast of a child woke up at 1:24 AM. The alarm clock was turned away from me but I knew it wasn’t anywhere close to morning time because my eyes were burning and I could barely open them, so when I looked at the clock I wasn’t surprised. I tried to let her cry and go back to sleep on her own, but then she started to scream MAMA PLEASE and honestly who is going to let that go on without going to the rescue? I was afraid she was going to try and stay awake all night long like she did the last time she pulled this shit, but I had to go get her. I picked her up from the crib and brought her into my room and she frantically started shouting NO NO and trying to get out of the bedroom, so I knewwwwwwww she thought it was morning. She asked for a bottle so I went with her to get some milk and said we can have a bottle but we’re having it in my mommy’s bed. She was cuddled up very close to me drinking her milk in the middle of the night as one does and I was praying to all of the gods potentially listening to me that she would fall back asleep.
After the bottle we then began what I am calling “the nipple hour.” As you all know by now, I no longer nurse her, but my boobs, as deflated and pathetic as they now are, are her security blanket. The child is not attached to anything at all. No blankets, no stuffed animals, no toys. Nothing to help her sleep or carry around with her. Except my boobs. I guess it makes sense since they were always her source of comfort, but I was hoping this would go away once I stopped the breastfeeding madness. It has not gone away. She was literally curled into my body, ripping my shirt away and squeezing my nipples. I know, this is too much for you to read and too personal. Guess what, I always said I would be 100% honest on this blog, so of course, it’s going to get worse. She’s got this thing now where she has to put her feet on my chest too. So this is what she did at 2 AM. This is how the kid relaxes. By putting her feet on my nipples. I DON’T UNDERSTAND IT SO DON’T ASK ME TO EXPLAIN. SHE IS WEIRD AND I KNOW IT.
Then I realized her diaper was kind of heavy, so I decided I would ask her if she wanted it to be changed. She hates diaper changes and I certainly don’t want to partake in them in the middle of the night so I figured if she said no then it would be fine, because I take all of my parenting advice from my almost 2 year old. But of courseeeeeeee she said yes. So I changed her in the pitch black room and prayed that maybe this is what would get her back to sleep. HA.
Then she started to kiss my face over and over and over, and rub my hair, and say “mama mama.” And I realized that even though I was exhausted, this was kind of nice. Not the feet on the nipples mind you, but the cuddly love session. We were awake until 3:30 in the morning, but she never tried to leave the room again or ask to go in the living room and she only asked for Mickey once. She ended up falling asleep on top of me and I drifted off too. This morning I have bloodshot eyes and a killer neck cramp, but I’m not feeling as bad about being tired as I usually am with these nighttime wake ups that continue to happen always and forever. Maybe she just had a bad dream and wanted to be with me, and really, that’s my job as her mom. I will cuddle with her as long as she lets me.
But maybe next time we can do it without assaulting my boobs. Here’s hoping.