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Life Lately

Man oh man have things changed in the 5 days since I last posted.  It is crazy to me how quickly babies learn things and how one day changes to the next.  Since I last wrote, Charlotte has started to crawl backwards, she gives high fives to Eric, she claps hands on command and she is starting to understand the “how big is Charlotte? SO BIG” game that everyone plays with babies.  She even puts her arms out to me whenever I walk by, even when other people are holding her, and she is starting to cry when I leave the room!  She has started to feed herself puffs (that I break in half because I am crazy afraid of choking) and her latest favorite dinner is chicken with spinach, zucchini and QUINOA.  I had quinoa for the first time like 2 years ago and my almost 8 month old is chowing down on the super food.  She eats healthier than I do.  She is also back to sleeping like an asshole, but whatever.  I’m so used to it by now that it’s really just a part of life.  The crawling is amusing to me.  Part of me thinks it is adorable but then a much larger part of me is saying that I did not enjoy the stationary phase of baby life long enough.  How nice it has been to just place her on the floor and have her not move!  Now she is twisting and turning and propelling her tush backwards.  I’m thinking about attaching a swiffer cloth to her belly that way she can kill two birds with one stone.  Clean the floors and practice her mobility.  It’s a win for both of us really.

I took her last night to get her flu shot.  I had to hold her arms because Eric wasn’t with me and I always get really panicky about shots because I hate seeing her in pain and mostly because I hate needles.  Well this child just stared at the doctor and before I knew it the band-aid was on her chubby thigh.  Not a PEEP.  Not a tear, not a whimper, not a cry.  She cried when I put her in the car seat to go home but not when she got a needle in her leg.  Maybe her thighs are just so chubby that she didn’t feel it?  That part of the shot was great, but the poor baby was SO uncomfortable all night.  We had a rough night.  She would wake up screaming, but then thrash around my bed and cry out and be clearly uncomfortable.  She spent most of the night in her crib, so that’s a win, but from 4:15 until we both gave up at 5:30 she was miserable.  Even in her sleep her face looked like she was in pain.  It makes sense, because I can’t even lift my fucking arm after my flu shot yesterday, so I can’t fault her for having a tough night.  Tonight will be better!  I should get those words tattooed on my fucking forehead for all the good they do me.

We’re going on our first family trip in two days!  I am really looking forward to it.  The Mystic Aquarium has an event called Sea Scare, where they set up all Halloween stuff around the aquarium for the kids.  She won’t get anything out of it, but Eric and I will enjoy it.  Sea Scare all depends on the Mets though, because if they are playing all plans are put on hold to watch the game. Is it wrong that part of me wants to buy a selfie stick for this trip?  And by saying I want to buy a selfie stick, it means I’m going to buy one.  Pictures or it didn’t happen!

2 AM is the Perfect Time to Learn New Things

Charlotte woke up at 1:55 AM last night because she likes to keep me on my toes.  She’s basically saying to me that yes, she can sleep through the night, but I shall choose not to just to make sure you aren’t as rested as you should be.  Since it was before 4 AM I nursed her in the rocking chair in her room and then put her back in the crib hoping she’d go back to sleep.  I should have known when she ate with her eyes wide open the entire time that the child would not go back to sleep.  I went back into bed as she protested in her crib, and then Eric came in telling me her foot was stuck in the bar, so I told him to just bring her to bed because I’m too tired to deal with this shit, as usual. He came to bed after he brought her in, and that’s when Charlotte decided to stay up until after 3 and do the following things:

  1. Nurse on and off violently.
  2. Say “dadadadada” over and over.
  3. Smack me in the face, the boobs, the arms.
  4. Punch herself in the head numerous times.
  5. Say “mamamama” FOR THE FIRST TIME.
  6. Grab her feet and roll back and forth like a turtle stuck on its back.
  7. Hit her bottom lip and make the “buhbuhbuh” sound.
  8. Combine “mamamadadada” as she hits herself in the head.
  9. Send her father packing to the couch.
  10. Pretend to fall asleep for 5 minutes and then wake up and hit me.

It was fun.  If fun translates to feeling like there is sandpaper in your eyes and realizing sleep before work is not going to happen soon.  I mean on the one hand I’m glad she said mama, even though I’m 99% sure it was not because she realizes I’m mama, but because she just likes the sound that comes out of her mouth, but on the other hand GO THE F*CK TO SLEEP.  And also should I be concerned that she likes to punch herself in the head?  I mean she was just going to town with that.  She loves learning new things at 2 AM.

Send coffee.

Yesterday Was a Good Day

Yesterday was one of those days I dreamed about when I was pregnant.  Eric and I were both off and had nothing to do and spent the whole day as our little family of three.  We woke up and went for breakfast with Charlie girl.  We enjoyed our eggs and toast and home fries and Charlotte enjoyed grabbing napkins and throwing them on the floor.  She smiled at all of the strangers around her and so many people commented on how adorable she was.  One of the waitresses told Eric she looks exactly like him and his entire day was made.  After that we went to Target for two things and left with a $90 bill because that’s what Target does.  That red bulls-eye sucks you in and before you know it you’re throwing your wallet and life savings at the cashier and you end up with a 36 roll of toilet paper and 8 packages of toothbrushes.  Charlotte took her nap while we were in Target so that was fabulous and lasted all of 30 minutes, as per usual.  After that Eric put air in my tires because apparently that’s something you need to do?  I really had no idea.  Charlotte screamed in the backseat because neither one of us wanted to sit there and get air put in the tires but Eric made us do it.  We spent some time at home hanging out and playing, and then around 12:30 the three of us went into bed.  Charlotte was eating and Eric and I watched The Affair and just as the episode was ending she started to drift off to sleep, and then the three of us took a TWO HOUR NAP.  It was so perfect.  Charlotte nursed on and off, the breeze was coming in the windows, it was quiet and comfortable and exactly what we needed.  Around 5:30 we decided we’d take her out for a walk since it was so beautiful out, and we went to the park by our house and followed the trail to the swings and put Charlotte in the swings for the very first time!  It was adorable and lasted all of 10 seconds, but she was smiling and happy and I loved it.  We got back just in time for her bath and she played with her new bath toys that my godson bought for her (with his own money, how ADORABLE IS THAT?!) and then she nursed and went to sleep by 7:15.  Eric and I were able to hang out before the Mets game started, where she promptly began to whine and turn around in her crib about 50 times before she went back to sleep on her own, and then was woken up 2 more times by Eric’s screams.  But she slept until about 4 AM because she’s learning that sleep is a precious gift.  It was just one of those great days where nothing is on the agenda but turns into something you’ll remember.  I love my little family.  Life is so, so good.

How I Know I’m a Mother

Part of being a mother is putting the needs of someone else over your own, right?  Yea well two nights ago I did just that.  Let me set the scene.

Monday night.  7:30 PM.  Baby asleep in crib, husband asleep in bedroom.  Husband is on overnight shift, so he must sleep whenever he can.  Mommy (me) in the kitchen, cutting up chicken for the week and preparing my lunch.  Having a hard root beer (FUCKING DELICIOUS) and enjoying the quiet time to myself.  Mommy turns to put the Tupperware containers of chicken into the fridge and prepare to watch a little TV with the delicious hard root beer.

AND THEN.  I see movement under the fridge.  I SEE MOVEMENT.  I see QUICK, AGILE MOVEMENT and I begin to sweat from head to toe.  IS IT A GIANT SPIDER?  WHAT IS IT? I am silently asking the God that has forsaken me.  And then I realize it is a fucking cricket.  If there’s anything worse than a spider, or a roach, it’s a cricket.  Jiminy Cricket this bastard is not.  I literally leap out of the kitchen and run to grab the swiffer from the closet.  Oh, did I mention the chicken is on the floor now?  Because it is.  Once I grab the swiffer I try to squish it quickly, but because it’s a cricket and all that fucker moves faster than light and now I’m afraid it’s INSIDE THE REFRIGERATOR.  So now I am texting my own mother, debating how bad this needs to get before I wake up Eric.  I know that I need to get this cricket on my own because now all I can think of is this little shit going into Charlotte’s crib and having cricket babies in there and attacking her as she sleeps.  YOU SEE GUYS.  THIS IS HOW I KNOW I AM A MOTHER.  I know I need to kill this insect because I don’t want it to be all up on my baby.  If there was no baby in this equation I would have ran out of the god damn house and let Eric deal with this shit on his own.

Jiminy is not inside the fridge and I see him come on out once again.  He’s moving slowly now, probably because he knows his murderer is on the prowl.  My mom tells me to find something to spray at it, but because I keep all of my chemicals IN THE KITCHEN this isn’t going to work.  Then I remember my emergency stash of Febreze.  I grab the bottle and I spray until my hand cramps up.  When I tell you there is a puddle of Island Fresh smelling liquid all over the god damn floor I mean it.  Jiminy is drunk and can’t move quickly any longer, so I take this opportunity to squish the bastard with the swiffer and I left it there until Eric woke up.


I sat on my couch staring at this, drinking my root beer, waiting to see if the cricket would somehow get out and become a zombie cricket.  I may have gotten a little high off the fumes of half a bottle of Febreze on the floor.  But this just proves how far I’ve come in my life.  The mommy me protected her cub from the insect from hell.  Before Charlotte I would have just lit my kitchen on fire and called it a day.  PROGRESS, PEOPLE.  PROGRESS.

Sleepless No More

OH MY GOD YOU GUYS.  My baby is SLEEPING.  Like, consistently.  I put her into her crib around 7:30 every night and she whines a bit and then GOES TO SLEEP ON HER OWN and then sleeps until the morning.  The first time I am getting out of bed is between 4:30 and 5:30 and she will continue to sleep after that too.  This is literally how I feel on the inside:


OH BABY BABY!  My prayers have been answered!  I KNOW it won’t be like this forever, but everyone around me had sleeping babies and now I HAVE A SLEEPING BABY, so I need to celebrate my victory.  So if you see me dancing in the streets, this is exactly why.

So you had some cheese?

I thought I was safe.  I enjoyed a few pieces of cheese here and there and saw no reaction in Charlotte.  So I had some baked goods.  And a little more cheese.  And a dollop of fresh whipped cream.  I was ready to go out and get a slice of pizza.  My life was going back to the cheesy heaven it once was.

And then it was over faster than you can say vomit in your mouth.

I was laying in bed with the little miss yesterday afternoon and playing like we usually do when I get home from work.  I pulled her onto my belly and started to kiss her neck to make her laugh and then she coughed twice, so I pulled my head back to look at her and we were face to face.  Then she burped.  I knew what was coming but there was literally no time to do anything except close my mouth really tight.

My daughter threw up on me.  And not like spit up like she used to do when she was younger.  This was full on heaving vomit.  It landed right on my face, into my hair, onto my lips, down my chin, into my shirt, all the way down my chest into my pants.  I’m not even exaggerating and I have a photo to prove it and it is highly disturbing and disgusting but I’ll totally send it to you to prove it.  I’ve sent it to a few people and was debating posting it here, but I don’t think it’s nice to scar those that have yet to have children to see what their future holds.  She was totally fine after her stomach contents ejected onto my face.  It’s like she was saying to me, “I’m glad you had your fun with dairy, I hope you enjoy it the second time around, in the form of my VOMIT.”  I guess I should just be thankful I closed my mouth in time.

Goodbye again, mozzarella.  I miss you so.

Life with Charlotte: 7 Months

Oh man are these months flying by.  Little miss Charlie girl is a whopping 7 months old.  She’s going to be one in five months!  The personality on this kid kills me.  She does a fake cry and a fake cough to get attention.  We’ve turned a corner with sleeping at night the past few days where she will lay in her crib and stare at the door waiting for someone to come in to rescue her, cry for 5 minutes and then pretend she’s asleep before she cries out again.  All of this crying is fake, so I refuse to go get her, and she is falling asleep and staying asleep for 6+ hours!  When she wakes up at 3 in the morning because she’s hungry, she looks up at me from the crib like I’m rescuing her from Alcatraz.  She is the funniest little girl.  Eric and I realized that the time to lower her crib mattress is fast approaching, so we tried to do that this weekend and then realized we have absolutely no idea how to do it and should have paid attention to the man who put the crib together back in January.  Anyone want to volunteer to help us?  We are clueless.

She smiles SO MUCH.  All the time at pretty much everyone.  She loves to be out and about and she is nosy and always wants to see what is going on.  My mom took her to the mall on Friday and my mom had to hold her and push an empty stroller so that she could look around and smile at strangers.  I love that she is so happy basically all of the time.

She sits up really well now.  I can leave her sitting with her toys around her and she moves to grab them and shove all of the things in her mouth but she stays sitting.  When she is on her back she also attempts to sit up on her own, but ends up looking like a flopping fish who is straining her neck.  It makes me laugh.  Because she is sitting up I no longer have to use the infant tub when I give her a bath and she can sit in the regular bath tub.  I cried when I put the 4moms infant tub away in our storage closet, because I am a loser.  But I am really enjoying not having to lug that fucking thing out and put it in the bath tub every night.  She still screams at me to eat naked every night after a bath and I’m afraid that’s never going to change.  She’ll probably be 6 years old running naked through the house screaming for after bath snacks.  Speaking of eating, she’s become a pro at eating regular foods.  She has breakfast, lunch & dinner now in addition to nursing.  She still prefers the boob over anything else, but the girl is not passing up her bananas or carrots anymore!

Eric and I are taking our first family getaway with her in October.  We’re going to Mystic, CT for 3 days!  We wanted to go somewhere close enough that we could drive, but not have to drive too far because the beast still hates the car.  We’ve been to Philly & DC in the past few years so we figured Mystic would be a great place since I haven’t been there in 20 years and Eric never has.  We’re going to go to the aquarium and the steam trains and Foxwoods Casino, because that’s what you do with a 7 month old.  This trip is obviously not for her, she’s just coming along for the ride.  I’m really looking forward to it very much!

It makes me sad that she is 7 months old, because time is moving so fast, but seeing how much she changes each month and is learning and growing, makes me so excited to see everything else that is in store.  She is so much fun that I genuinely enjoy hanging out with her!  I love this baby girl of mine.

Snap & Go?

Who designs baby clothes?  I want to talk to them.  Specifically the sweet individuals who design the long sleeve pajamas with the feet and use snaps.  Honestly who thinks the snaps are a good idea?  Anyone?  Anyone? Bueller?  Because getting these pajamas with the snaps on an almost 7 month old baby is starting to become fucking impossible.  Maybe the people who design these clothes have like really well behaved babies who lay there perfectly still when you are trying to snap them into the pajamas.  But me?  I have a baby who hates getting dressed to begin with, so when you add in the fact that she now rolls all over and basically tries to do a back handspring as I try to dress her for bed, the snaps are no good.  We have a few zipper onesie pajamas that are my favorite, but the bastards who design those make sure that your baby outgrows them after 2 wears.  And the snaps are just everywhere you look, at every baby store.  I can’t snap her in fast enough and by the time I snap one leg shes kicking me with the other and when I try to snap in that leg she’s trying to flip over and THEN I realize in my haste I snapped it wrong so I have to do it all over again and by the time I unsnap her she has both of her legs out and she’s on her belly trying to eat her bookcase furniture and I am sweating profusely.  This is every night.  EVERY NIGHT.  So to the makers of baby clothes, I hate you and your snaps.  Your snaps suck.  They don’t even snap quickly, you have to really give it some effort to get them closed and that’s just impossible with Kung Fu baby moves.  I can’t be the only person who has trouble with this shit.  Fucking snaps.

Charlotte Shea’s Baptism

My baby girl got baptized yesterday!  It was really one of the most favorite days of my life.  I didn’t realize how emotional I would be during the service, and when I held her to officially be baptized my heart was so full of joy and love that I could have burst.  She looked so beautiful.  Exhibit A:


She took a nap before the service began and she just looked like such an angel.  My mom bought her dress, but she wore the hat that I wore at my baptism, and then her hat and shoes were adorned with beads that came from my mother’s wedding gown and veil.  She wore my grandpa’s angel pin on her dress as well, and it was a special way of him being there with us.  It was our first family event without him and I could really feel the loss.  I know he was watching us and was with us all day, but we missed him, plain and simple.

My brother is Charlotte’s godfather and he loves her so much!  My cousin Brianne is her godmother.  She was my matron of honor at my wedding and is my very best friend.  Her son is 4 months old and he was there while we got Charlotte dressed.  Jack was just hanging out on the bed minding his own business while Charlotte did this:


In her defense this was really the only time she cried like this the entire day, but it’s so funny that she never fails to scream whenever we are doing something nice.  SHE HATES ALL OF THE NICE THINGS.

We had a small luncheon afterwards with family and friends and it was just such a good day.  Charlotte has so many people that love her.  She is one lucky little girl.  Thank you to everyone who came to celebrate with our little munchkin and for all of you who offered congratulations.  It was a big day for all of us and we appreciate it!  I love this child so much that sometimes I honestly think I could explode.

Getting Sh*t Done

Multitasking and doing things quickl with a baby can be nearly impossible. The other day I was holding Charlotte as I ate a meatball out of a dish like a dog while I tried to clean one of her bottles. This is an actual thing that occurred. I know that it isn’t necessary to have everything done this very second, but I’m just not that type of girl. If I want every bottle cleaned the second I get home, I can’t relax until I clean every bottle. It’s ridiculous and I can’t change it or relax myself in this way, but because of this I’ve learned some really great ways to multitask. I’m able to wear Charlotte in my baby wrap while I clean the kitchen and put away groceries or quickly clean the bathroom, I eat like I’m trying to win some sort of competitive eating contest and I can get dressed in seconds flat.  I’m even able to check work emails and make some phone calls while I change her or get her ready for bed.   I’m looking forward to when Charlotte starts crawling so I can attach swiffer cleaner clothes to her body so she can help me multitask. Oh man this kid is going to be in for it when it’s time to do chores. You want to watch Mickey Mouse? Well you better fold laundry while you do. I’m only kidding. Maybe. 

Anyway, I’m doing the best kind of multitasking right now.  I’m writing this blog post while holding my sleeping child who desperately needed a nap while getting a pedicure.  I am getting shit done.