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When Mothering is Hard

The past couple of days have been tough.  Charlotte is doing all of the following at one time:

  • Getting four new teeth (one of which has only broken the surface of the gum)
  • Sitting up in her crib without laying down
  • Standing up in her crib without sitting down
  • Standing up on anything and everything and moving like she wants to walk
  • Crawling with expert efficiency all over the damn house

All of these things combined together mean for the worst sleep EVER.  On Thursday night, I actually watched her sit up while she was STILL SLEEPING and then woke up all freaked out because she wasn’t lying down anymore.  Even when she was in our bed, she was crying out in pain because of her swollen gums.  I get it, it’s hard for her, and for us.  So because I’ve been short on sleep, I’ve been short on patience, and when she starts flipping over 57 times when I’m trying to put a diaper on her, or when she starts screaming like she’s trapped inside an erupting volcano when I’m trying to dress her for bed, I’ve been agitated.  And it makes me feel SHITTY.  I don’t even like to admit it, but the other day as she was screaming and hitting me and kicking me because I was trying to change her, I yelled out “CHARLOTTE I JUST CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE.”  Between the terrible sleeping, working, trying to make dinners, trying to have my house not look like a war zone, I just snapped.  I’m crying as I type this because in that moment I felt like the worst mother.  Because there are people who there who want babies and don’t have them and here I am with this amazing little girl and I yelled and just couldn’t deal with it.

But you know what I realized? Mothering is hard.  It is harder than I ever imagined it would be, but it is the most rewarding thing I have ever done.  I am trying to be the best mother, the best wife, the best daughter, the best worker and the best friend all at the same time, and I need to realize I can’t do everything at once.  There is no way I will ever be perfect.  I will lose my patience, I will cry, I will snap.  But Charlotte will still love me and I will still love her.  Those moments of pure frustration will be replaced with moments of pure love and happiness.  The times when I feel like I’m going to snap and break into a million little pieces from the sheer weight of trying to do everything  will be replaced when Charlotte sleeps for a 7 hour stretch and says the word “mama” when I walk into the room like she did last night.  It’s like she knows just how far to push me to the point where I’m going to break, and then she reels me right back and makes me whole again.  What a beautiful, scary, exhausting, relentless, AMAZING adventure motherhood is.


Life With Charlotte: 9 Months

YOU GUYS.  My baby is going to be one in THREE MONTHS.  What in the F is that about?  We took her to her 9 month check up on Monday and I made the appointment for her next visit which will be her ONE YEAR visit and I kind of had a mental break down over it because seriously, HOW FAST IS THIS GOING.  I can’t accept it.

Here are some fun things that Charlie girl is accomplishing in her 9 months on Earth:

  • Still sleeping like an asshole.  Now she does this fun thing where she sits up and doesn’t know how to lay back down so she screams, starts to fall asleep while sitting up and then jerks awake and screams again.  Eric and I are having a really great time with it.  Most fun we’ve had in years.
  • Crawling EVERYWHERE.  When I make dinner when I get home from work she zooms in from the living room and starts to pull at my legs for me to pick her up.  I usually throw 4 or 5 pieces of tupperware on the floor to amuse her, or show her the dishwasher to bang on, or give her a wooden spoon to hit things.  I’m a great mom.
  • Her top two teeth are starting to show signs of coming in.  The doctor said they’ll be here soon so maybe that’s why she doesn’t sleep.
  • She has just started to wave hello ON HER OWN.  It’s wild.  She did it to me yesterday when I walked in the door and she did it to my father in law this morning when he came over.  It’s the cutest effing thing.  I tried to command her to do it so I could get it on video but she didn’t, of course.
  • She’s all about standing up all the time.  Her favorite thing to do is just hold onto your hands and stand there.  It’s a pretty boring game for mama but she loves it.
  • She says mama and dada, and we’re 99.9% sure she knows what she’s saying and it isn’t just babbling.  The other day when she woke up from a nap and saw me laying next to her, she opened her eyes and looked at me and said mama.  And then when she sees Eric she starts in with dadadada.  Even if she doesn’t understand it, we’re just going to pretend like she does because it makes us happy.  Sometimes she says baby too, and other times she just screams random sounds.  I think she just likes to hear her own voice.
  • Last night for the first time she cried when Eric left for work.  He picked her up and she stopped crying and smiled at him and then when he gave her back to me to leave she started to scream again.  She loves her daddy so much!  I can see the future now – big mush with daddy and big bitch to mommy.  Fun times ahead.  If she does that again tonight he can just go right ahead and take her to work with him and I’ll go to sleep thank you very much.
  • Homegirl loves her food, but hated pastina when I gave it to her on Monday.  I was actually offended by this.  Who the fuck hates pastina?  It’s like the nicest thing in the world.  SHE HATES ALL THE NICE THINGS.
  • We took her Christmas pictures last weekend (thanks Auntie Shay and Auntie Bri!) and we’re going to see SANTA this weekend.  I can’t believe the holiday season is upon us.  I remember last year imagining what this year would be like with her.  She’s still too young to understand anything (which is why I only bought her about four things, because she doesn’t know anything about presents) and this year is painful for us because it’s the first year without my grandpa.  Still, I love that she’s here while I decorate and wrap things and have all of her beautiful Christmas outfits ready to go.  My family Christmas party is coming up and we will have 5 babies there!  I want to bring my pack and play and just throw them all in there in their finest Christmas outfits and see what happens.  Like the baby Hunger Games, but without the death and violence.  They can just crawl over each other and drool.
  • She’s wearing 12 month clothing, some of which is too tight.  Her thighs are actually like Walt Disney World turkey legs.  They are so big.  Eric and I asked the doctor if they were too big, because we’re those parents.  But she’s totally fine and just the chunkiest little baby and I’ll have to stuff her into her pants for the time being because she doesn’t fit in 18 months.  Whoever makes baby sizes is a damn fool.  Who goes from 12 months straight to 18?  Where is 15 months?  My 9 month old needs 15 month clothes!


My Charlie girl, you are the biggest joy on this Earth.  I love you more with each day that passes and there is no end to that.  Every month is new adventures.  I can’t wait to see what the future has in store for us, but I hope to God it includes sleeping through the night FOR GOOD eventually.

A Shoutout to my Baby Daddy

All too often I get carried away with the hustle and bustle of every day life that I forget to stop and truly appreciate my husband.  My easy going, funny, goofy, dorky husband, who has become one of the greatest dads out there.  I would not be able to be as successful at my gig as a working mom without him, and I don’t tell him often enough.

Eric works brutal hours at his job, in my opinion.  He sleeps for an average of 4 hours a stretch, and then he gets up without a single complaint and takes care of our Charlie girl.  I mean, not ONE COMPLAINT.  I don’t know how he does it 4 days a week without crying tears of exhaustion, but he does.  I would be lying on the floor screaming WHY GOD WHY CAN’T I SLEEP MORE WHYYYYY, but he just wakes up and does what he needs to do.  Charlotte’s eyes light up when she sees her daddy.  When we say, where’s dada, she looks right at him.  They spend so much time together when I’m at work and she adores him and I love watching it.  This is what partnering in marriage is all about, people.  Eric has never questioned me and always discusses everything when it comes to any parenting decision we make.  Since the day we brought her home he has supported me, whether it’s breastfeeding problems, co-sleeping, letting her cry it out or suggesting to me that we change her bottles because my breast milk was leaking all over his hands.  He knows Charlotte, like really knows her.  He doesn’t hesitate when he thinks she needs a nap or when she needs to be turned into a unicorn on his Snapchat app.  I have never, for one second, thought that he doesn’t know what he’s doing.  In the beginning I would check in because I was so afraid of being at work and not with her after months of being at home, but now?  Now I don’t ever feel the need to check in other than to say hello or ask for a picture.  I am so lucky to have him as my partner in this.

So Eric – this is to you.  I love you as my husband, I love you as Charlotte’s daddy, I love you as my friend.  I don’t tell you enough how much I appreciate you, but I can’t imagine doing this with anyone else.  Even if you eat 100 sour patch kids and get the sugar all over the couch, or leave sesame seeds all over the kitchen (seriously, I showed you where the vacuum is 500 times), I am so thankful for you and Charlotte is so lucky to have such a fun, amazing dad.  You the best, boo.

This Is What Breastfeeding Looks Like

I came across this article on BuzzFeed today and words can’t express how much I love it.  I love it so much and I want to share it with the world.

This Is What Breastfeeding Looks Like

These are such real women.  They aren’t photographed like that fucking picture of Gisele Bundchen with her glam team getting her ready for a red carpet event that makes me seethe with anger.  99% of the world do not have a team of people doing their hair and nails as they feed their child, and the women in these photographs are so real that I can relate to on a deep level.  Their stories are wonderful.

Being able to nurse Charlotte and have such a successful breastfeeding relationship with her is one of the most powerful things I’ve ever felt in my life.  It’s hard to put into words what a connection I feel with her, knowing that I have been responsible for her chubby thighs and growing body.  I am her nourishment.  I am her food.  I am her comfort.  I have been able to solve every cry she’s ever had in her almost 9-months of life by whipping out my boob and offering it to her.

I’ve always had such a bad relationship with my boobs, as silly as that sounds.  Since I went through puberty and never got the big boobs I always wanted I was never happy with my appearance.  But now I know that I got the perfect ones just for me because they have given me the ability to have a connection with my daughter like I never thought possible.  The photos of these women brought a tear to my eye because I know how they feel.  I know what they’re doing.  I know that sometimes it’s so, so hard to nourish your child through breastfeeding, but I also know that it is also one of the most amazing things on this planet.  I am so glad I am able to do this and that I stuck with it when it was a nightmare of a beginning.

I don’t think I would be brave enough to pose for photographs like these women did, but I do have my own photos of my time nursing Charlotte from the time she was born and I know I will cherish them when she gets older and no longer needs me to feed her.

PS:  There’s boobs in the link, so if you’re an asshole and get offended by them then don’t click on it.  I probably should have written this at the top, but whatever.  They’re just boobs, so deal with it.

Mommy Can’t Have Nice Things Either

This morning I decided to take Charlotte out for a bit while the cleaning lady was in my home.  That sounds so snobby even as I type it, but honestly working full time and being a mother full time, more often than not it’s just easier to spend some extra money on someone to scrub my toilet rather than do it myself. It’s my guilty pleasure and I love it. Anyway, Charlotte started freaking out before we left the house because GOD FORBID I put a coat or socks or a hat on the child. It doesn’t matter the temperature outside she wants to be ass naked in all her glory. I got her wiggly body into the car seat and off to the store we went. I got a coffee and she was fine and then she was fine for maybe 10 seconds in the store. The whining began so I took off her coat and hat and shoes and everything else touching her skin that made her act like I enveloped her in hot lava. But no.  I had to go to the bathroom so I went into the family room hoping if she saw me sitting on the toilet peeing she’d be fine, but she screamed in there too. I got her to stop screaming by singing loudly, SOMETIMES WE HAVE TO DO PEEPEE!  Even though the entire service counter right outside could heard me. She ripped her socks off because she wasn’t naked enough in there either. Bu then she didn’t just want to be naked and out of the family bathroom, she wanted to be naked, out of the bathroom AND out of the stroller. So I picked her up and put my bag in the stroller, because isn’t that what they’re really made for?  Not to hold your darling baby, but to hold all of your other shit while YOU hold your darling baby. But Charlie girl is 20 pounds now and mama hasn’t worked out in a while and SHE IS HEAVY AND I HAVE SCIATICA. So I put her back in the stroller and then she decided to let everyone in the vicinity know just how powerful her lungs were. I swear the sounds echoed throughout all three floors. So even though I wanted new black jeans and to look at the Christmas decorations that were all 50 percent off, and even though I had coupons and really just wanted to walk around for some exercise, I decided it was better to leave empty handed than subject the poor people of Fresh Meadows to the beast. I put all of her outerwear back on, and she got louder. I got her out of the stroller and into the car seat, and she got louder. I pulled out of the spot and made it to the light on the corner and…she was quiet. I looked in the mirror and she was fucking asleep. ASLEEP WITHIN SECONDS.  So basically she just took her I HATE ALL THE NICE THINGS mantra of life and applied it to her mother. You wanted new jeans and nice decorations to bring Christmas cheer to our home? Well fuck that!  I own you!

So now I’m writing this from the car because she’s still asleep and I’m sick of driving around the neighborhood. Well played Charlotte, well played. 

A Letter of Apology 

Dear Jumpy Cow,

I’d like to take a minute to apologize to you for my daughter’s behavior. When I was pregnant with her and went to make my baby registry and saw you, I knew I had to have you. I thought how cute my little girl would look in you, jumping from the doorway.   You were going to be the best of friends.  I patiently waited until she was 4 months old like the box recommended and set you up. And then this happened. 

I thought maybe she was just too small, so I waited another month to reunite you. At 5 months she refused to even sit. At 6 months she sat and refused to jump. At 7 months I didn’t even try, and at 8 months she wailed again. I put you on the floor of her bedroom, hoping your cute jumpy cow face would tickle her curiosity. 

 Well, fuck. 

So this letter is to you, jumpy cow. I tried my hardest to unite you as friends but I think it’s time to admit defeat. I mean, why would Charlie girl want to play with you when she can scoot over to the TV unit and play with the printer? Or try open the cabinet doors and put her toys inside? Or shove my necklaces into her mouth? Why would she want a nice, safe jumpy cow when there’s so many dangerous things to explore?

I loved you jumpy cow and I promise you won’t go in the trash. You’re off to Charlotte’s cousin Jack’s house where I hope he appreciates the nice things in life. I hope you become best friends. 


Charlotte’s Mama 

A Meatball for My Meatball

We had a big milestone in our household yesterday.  My little meatball had her first meatball!  I feel like as an Italian mother this is one of the greatest things that can ever occur.  Charlotte slept over my parents house on Saturday night, Eric and I went to a friends house and then out to a bar after (we felt so old and I got drunk in literally one hour) and I had a great night sleep, so when I woke up Sunday morning I made a nice pot of sauce and meatballs.  She was a little hesitant at first but then she was loving it.  It was a proud moment.  Not only did she have a meatball, but she also had her first pizza crust on Friday.  And it wasn’t just any pizza, it was my grandma Lena’s pizza.  I LOVE feeding this baby new foods to see how she reacts to them.  Here are two videos of the pizza crust and the meatball.

I may be biased, but I can’t even take how cute my child is.  She really is just a chubby little meatball!

Life With Charlotte: 8 Months In

I have an 8 month old baby!  Not to use this phrase again, but it’s going too fast.  I think back to the days when we first brought her home from the hospital and I don’t even remember who I was back then and how quickly we’ve made it to this point.  I was afraid to feed her because it hurt and she was insatiable, and now I feed her sitting on the floor of H&M while my mom shops.  I was afraid every cry meant imminent doom and destruction, and now all of her cries mean something specific and nine times out of ten, I know what they mean.  I remember when I asked my mom how I could possibly figure out what she wanted or needed and she told me it would happen.  I didn’t believe her then but it’s so true.  You become so in tune to your baby that somehow you start to know what you’re doing.  Eight months of practice and we are two peas in a pod!  Here are some of her new developments:

Her favorite thing to do right now is clap hands.  At first she would just do it randomly, but now she has figured out to do it on command and when she is happy and excited.  When I show her a toy or she sees her reflection, a huge grin forms on her face and she claps her hands with delight.  It is the cutest thing and I don’t think it will ever get old.  She really enjoys seeing her reflection in anything and everything.  She’s like her father that way.  Eric checks himself out in mirrors, car windows, store windows, you name it.  If she catches a glimpse of herself she smiles immediately.  She knows she’s pretty!

The art of crawling is really taking shape.  She is already a pro at maneuvering herself backwards and in the last two days she’s been going on all fours and rocking back and forth.  She’s figured out that when she’s on the hard wood floor she can pull herself along with her arms.  The only way I can accurately describe this is in a terrible way, but I’m going to tell you, of course.  In one of those war movies, I think it was Saving Private Ryan or something, one of the soldiers gets his legs blown off and then he just pulls his body along with his arms.  This is what I am reminded of when Charlotte is sliding across the floor.  I am the worst.

She has also learned a new trick where she sits up and uses one of her legs to propel herself in circles.  I watched her slowly turn herself around 4 times yesterday while I was washing her bottles.  Then she sees me and claps hands.  I really do need to get a video of it because I don’t have a macabre example of what this looks like to explain properly.

Homegirl is loving her food.  She’s eating all of the nice mixed fruits and vegetables now.  She had a field day with the sweet corn and green beans that she had for lunch the other day.  This morning for breakfast I left her with beets, pomegranate and apple.  I bought so many different varieties because I get bored eating the same shit everyday so I figure she would too.

She reaches for me now.  It makes my heart burst out of my chest when those little arms go up in the air for me to pick her up.  I love it so, so much.  I love HER so, so much.

And in case anyone is wondering, she still doesn’t sleep through the night.  She did it for a week and then I guess decided that was good enough.  She’s only waking up once though, so that’s an improvement.  And I still let her sleep with me after her wake up because it’s easier for me and that’s that.  But I can eat dairy again without any adverse reactions so THANK GOD FOR SMALL MIRACLES.  I haven’t reintroduced any milk to my diet, I still ask for things without butter and I’m still in the habit of saying no cheese, but this is why I am wearing a size small in all of my clothes so I’m going to shut up and stop complaining.  HOWEVER, I did just order a sandwich with smoked mozzarella on it and I am going to eat the shit out of that sandwich and have no regrets.

Happy 8 months to my beautiful, precious, happy baby girl.  I love you more than all the stars in the sky and all the fish in the sea.

Our First Family Trip

We survived our first family vacation!  It wasn’t for long and it wasn’t too far, which is why I think it was successful.  I mean, I packed like we were going away for a month, but I’m pretty sure that’s just par for the course when you have a baby.  Getting out of the house on Thursday morning was a struggle, mostly because Charlotte did not nap at all in the morning and was extra tired and just wanted to snuggle up and sleep.  There was a lot of screaming as we packed the car and strapped her in, but then by some magical force she slept the entire way to Connecticut.  It took us a little over two hours and her eyes did not open until we pulled into the parking lot of the Mystic Aquarium.  It was glorious, and I think the longest nap she had taken in her short life.  We spent Thursday afternoon at the aquarium where Charlotte could not give two shits about anything there, but Eric and I enjoyed it.  She did take the time to look at the penguins, and I even nursed her on a bench near the underwater viewing area.  Breastfeeding while watching penguins swim by is something I never imagined doing in my life, but it was very relaxing.  The aquarium was pretty empty too which was great for us.  After that we walked over to Olde Mistick Village which is just a lot of very cute shops and we spent a couple of hours there going in and out of the stores.  I think our favorite store was the Italian shop, where Eric and I got to taste a bunch of flavored oils and vinegar.  I should clarify this by saying I tasted them, and Eric took them like shots of tequila.  He was coughing and choking and clearing his sinuses with the samples.  I could have spent half a day in there sampling all of the different flavors, but we settled on a bottle of tangerine champagne vinegar and ginger infused olive oil, because when the girl mixed them up for us to taste it was so, so good.  Charlotte took another nap while we were shopping and we went to the hotel to check in and relax a bit.  That night we went to the Mohegan Sun casino for dinner and decided to dine at the Festival Buffet.  Eric and I took turns going up and ate more food than I’d like to admit.  We walked around Mohegan a bit and then Charlotte started throwing her “I am tired and want the boob” fit so we left around 8, even though Eric was this close to crawling on the floor towards a poker table.  Charlie was seriously so well behaved all day that I think sometimes I take for granted what an awesome baby I have.

Charlotte slept until 7 AM on Friday morning so after we got ready we headed to the Mystic Diner for breakfast and had the best home fries we’ve ever had.  Our waitress, Tina, was obsessed with Charlotte.  I’m not exaggerating this at all.  She asked if she could hold her and when I said yes, she then took her on a walk around the restaurant to show her off to other workers and diners.  One woman asked her if she knew the baby and she said “no, but isn’t she the most gorgeous baby ever?”  Yes, Tina, yes she is.  She asked us to come back in to see her whenever we could and I didn’t have the heart to tell her that we did not live there.  We drove to Foxwoods which is SO much better than Mohegan and definitely more family friendly.  Charlotte and I headed to the Tanger Outlets that Foxwoods has right off of one of their casinos, and Eric went to play poker for 4 hours.  This was the first time I was doing a big shopping trip with her alone, and while it may not seem like that big of a deal, it was.  Sometimes she hates being in her stroller, so I brought my baby wrap with me and wore my 20 pound child while pushing a stroller full of shopping bags.  We had to take a break a few times for both our mental states, but since it was crowded and the little seating areas are nice, I just spread out her blanket and let her sit on the floor with her toys.  I said I was going to buy things for people for Christmas and I bought approximately two gifts for other people and 12 gifts for me.  Oh well.  I also have never had so many people stop me to come see the baby.  I don’t want to sound like one of those moms that are all like MY BABY IS THE BEST BABY IN AMERICA, but I was stopped by at least 10 people during our shopping trip to come talk to her and look at her in the stroller or on the floor.  One of the security guards came over to me while I had her on the floor and I thought I was going to get in trouble, but he told me that she was the happiest, most gorgeous baby he has ever seen.  It made my heart swell.  When we left the mall to go get Eric from losing all of our money this older woman zipped right up to me in her electric scooter and spent a good 10 minutes talking to me about Charlie and our life.  It was just really nice!

We went back to the hotel after that to take a nap, and we all woke up around 6:15 and decided that none of us wanted to go out to eat.  By that I mean Eric and I had no energy to put the child in her car seat one more time, so we had dinner in the hotel, and it was so much better than we thought.  Charlie girl sat in her high chair and charmed our waitress, had her own dinner and played her new favorite game called “let me throw my toys on the floor over and over while mom and dad pick them up every time.”  After dinner we sat by the fireplace and watched the baseball game on the big screen tv until I brought her back to the room to go to sleep, and she was out in 3 minutes flat.  Eric brought me a glass of wine and we had a drink in bed, and then he went back downstairs to finish the game and I passed out, because I’m a party animal like that.

Saturday morning we went out for breakfast again, and once Charlotte fell asleep at 11 we decided to get on the road because we didn’t think she would nap for the whole car ride again.  The child slept for 3 hours.  She did not wake up one time on the ride home and only opened her eyes the second we pulled into the spot in front of the house.  IT’S THE LITTLE THINGS THAT MAKE LIFE GREAT.

Even though it was a short trip with not too much going on, we had the best time.  Like really, the best.  Eric and I were sad to leave because we just had so much fun being away with her.  It makes me so excited for all of the trips to come.  ESPECIALLY DISNEY.

And also, if you’ve made it this far reading, BRAVO TO YOU.  Your special prize is to learn that I have slowly introduced dairy back into my life and HAVE HAD NO PROBLEMS.  I even had pizza Saturday night AND IT WAS GLORIOUS.  I bet you’re so happy you kept reading to learn that.  Thanks for reading about my life with my baby.  It’s the best life I’ve lived so far.

Proof That Babies Are Just Tiny Dictators

Traits of a dictator:

  • Cult of Personality
  • Making Laws Without Question
  • Lack of Public Involvement
  • Lack of Civil Liberties
  • Silencing or Repressing Oppression
  • Use of Terror/Intimidation


I shall explain.  But first let me just say that in no way do I think my baby is actually a mass murderer or your baby is a mass murderer.  The internet is a place of people who take shit too seriously and I’m afraid there will be those of you out there that think I actually think my baby is Hitler.  I don’t think my baby is Hitler.  I just think my baby THINKS like Hitler.  Minus the murder.

Cult of personality.  This translates to anything that an individual uses to make him or her seem more important than others.  Um, this is literally every baby.  Baby is hungry and you haven’t showered/slept/peed/changed your clothes in 7 days?  Baby doesn’t care.  Baby is MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOU ARE.  They will use their cry to make sure you know this.  Easy peasy.

Making Laws Without Question.  Your baby has been sleeping soundly in their crib for a month.  Your baby doesn’t want to sleep in their crib anymore.  NEW LAW IN TOWN MOTHAF*CKA.  I’m sleeping with you, or not at all, and I’m not going to even ASK for your opinion or consent.  Get me out of this crib PEASANT.

Lack of Public Involvement.  The public has no role in the laws of the government.  You and your spouse do not run this show.  You and your spouse and your family are at the MERCY of the baby dictator.  Sure, you can say you’re going to stick to a bedtime routine, or never co-sleep, or refuse to let your baby watch TV.  You think you have that much power?  HAHAHAHA.  Baby laughs.

Lack of Civil Liberties.  Laws the protect the people from the dictator.  Your baby is going to pee on you, poop on you, vomit on you, rip your hair out, twist your nipples, make you question your very existence on Earth.  And you can’t do a damn thing about it.  If that’s not a lack of of civil liberties I DON’T KNOW WHAT IS.

Silencing or Repressing Oppression.  You set rules and boundaries.  Please don’t put the remote in your mouth.  Please don’t try and escape from your car seat.  Please don’t stick your hand in your dirty diaper.  I’LL DO WHAT I WANT WHEN I WANT AND AIN’T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR YOUR RULES MOTHER.

Use of Terror/Intimidation.  Do I even need to elaborate?  Every mother out there knows this scene.  You’re sleeping, you hear a noise, you look at the baby monitor and you see your child’s head pop up.  Or, you hear your bedroom door creak open and READY OR NOT HERE I COME.  It’s time for some good old fashion SLEEP DEPRIVATION.  There is a REASON sleep deprivation is a torture tactic.  Babies know this, because BABIES ARE TINY DICTATORS.  I’ve made my point.

But MAN OH MAN do we friggin’ love them.  I wouldn’t trade this dictator ruling my life for anything in the world.