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Good Morning from Disney World!

Hi hi hi! We are currently on 4 of our Disney World trip and is it just me or does time speed up when you’re on vacation? It’s like the days go on super speed and that makes me kind of sad. Ah well, gotta enjoy the time we have left!

Charlotte was awesome on the plane which was something I was worried about. Her last plane trip I was able to nurse her during take off and landing and obviously didn’t have that option this time, but she fell asleep for most of the ride. She woke up before landing complaining about her ears, but she seemed to be more confused by it than upset. She is still talking about her ears hurting “yestaday” though so the experience has been imprinted on her brain.

So far we have visited the Animal Kingdom, Epcot and the Magic Kingdom. We’re saving Hollywood Studios for Thursday. We also went to Mickey’s Very Merry Christmas Party where Charlotte stayed awake until 11:30 PM and felt like a true party animal! She is LOVING the “wides” (rides), is kind of afraid of the characters and doesn’t give a shit about fireworks. We caught the parade yesterday and she really loved that. She was clapping and waving to the characters and I started to cry like an asshole.

The hardest part is the typical tantrums. Kids don’t give a shit about being in Disney and not having a tantrum. If they want to have a tantrum they are damn well going to have a tantrum. I have had to pick her up like a football and drag her out of places as she screams her little head off. I’ve lost my patience more times than I can count. However, every parent around me is experiencing the same thing. My favorite thing to do in Disney now is to watch every other parent deal with their kids epic meltdowns. And they are meltdowns in every language too. In Epcot the other day when my beast was napping, I caught a mom and dad dealing with one daughter crying and the other one flipping her shit and hitting them with a stuffed Pluto. The dad was asking if anyone wanted to take their kids and the mom was shouting “I hate Disney World!” I started cracking up and asked if I could buy them a drink because they were making me feel better about Char’s flip outs.

Tantrums or not she’s having an amazing time and even though my body aches from head to toe I love watching her take everything in. Disney is my favorite place in the world and holds some of my best memories, so I love being able to make these memories with her. I’m excited for the days to come!

The Fresh Prince(ss) of Bayside

The speed at which Charlotte can go from sweet adoring toddler who is kissing my cheeks and telling me how much she loves me to a minion of Satan is astounding.  Toddlers are known for bad behavior (according to what I see on social media and mommy blogs anyway) and Char is no exception.  The kid can be fresh AF.  An example.  When I started to reprimand her for doing something bad, or telling her no, or – for instance – screaming at her for pissing all over the damn floor (more on that another day), she will come over to me, put her hand over my mouth and say “sh sh sh no mommy sh.”  And she’ll keep her hand clamped on my mouth until she’s certain I’m not going to speak anymore.  Sometimes, when she’s feeling adventurous, she’ll replace “sh sh sh” with “shut up” and promptly get a smack on the mouth.

She also loves to whine in the most annoying voice and say “but I waaaaaaantttt it.”  Over and over and over again, over something stupid.  You know what kid?  I want you to sleep in your own damn bed for 8 hours a night but you can NEVER give me that and you don’t hear me whining about it.  That’s actually a false statement.  I’m not starting to see where she is developing this pattern.  Whoops.

She also loves to yell at Spanky dog.  In fact, she must have been having a dream about him last night because at 3 AM she was yelling at Spanky in her sleep.  It was really fun for me.  I love being woken up in the middle of the night to her screaming “NO FANKY! NO!”

Can’t wait to see what the threenagers bring us.

I hope you all have the happiest Thanksgiving!  Char and I are off to Disney World on Saturday so be sure to check back once we arrive so I can tell you if we survived the plane with a 2 year old!

Learning to Let Go

I wasn’t always the type of person who didn’t like to live with clutter or making a mess, (I’m looking at you teenage Sam bedroom), but since moving out and getting a place of my own, I like things to be put where they are supposed to be and having everything be clean as possible.  Before having a kid this was easy peasy.  Clothes in the laundry basket, counters clean, crumbs nowhere to be seen.  Toddlers kind of take a metaphorical shit on your clutter/mess free house though.  Sometimes they can even take a literal shit on your house.  Toys are strewn everywhere at all times of day, clothes are mismatched and thrown aside from my child who has to go through 47 pairs of pants before deciding on what she’s going to wear (most likely no pants, but that’s another fight for another day).  I can feel my anxiety rising before I even get home from work just knowing what is going to await me.  I try so hard to let these feelings go.  I’ve talked about it before and it’s still a work in progress.  But yesterday morning I had a big win.

Charlotte wanted to play with her toys in the sink and I immediately knew this was going to end in a flooded bathroom.  I felt myself getting anxious about it but I decided I was going to let her do it.  I had to get ready to go shopping with my mom and I figured this would buy me some time.  Charlotte stood on her little frog step stool for almost 20 minutes playing with her toys in the sink.  Was there water everywhere?  Of course.  But she was SO happy and SO good, and when she was done she got down from her stool and asked me to take off her soaked pajama shirt and dried off her toys.  It took me less than 5 minutes to clean up the water that was everywhere.  And I thought to myself, this is just water.  Five minutes of cleanup for 20 minutes of solo play time that made her extremely happy.  I’d say that was a good trade, and I was pretty proud of myself for loosening the leash on myself.  It may not seem like a big deal, but to me it was, and I’m glad I was able to say F it and let her play.

Let them be little, right?  Now if I could only do something about my husband leaving crumbs all over the counter top…

The Magic PJ Masks Bed

So if you took a little gander at my Insta (at the right) or my Facebook, you’ll see that I made a Hail Mary purchase of a PJ Masks bed set with the hopes that it would get Charlotte in her bed and keep her there.  She was SO excited when she saw it and was shouting “mommy put it on! put it on!”  And so put it on I did.  I amped up the excitement factor of this bed. “Look Char! Now you can sleep with the PJ MASKS! ALL NIGHT LONG! FOREVER IN YOUR BED!”  My bedtime battles were over.

It took an hour to put her to bed but this is not unusual because she loves to talk to me and have me tell her stories and all of the things I just love doing for maybe 20 minutes but certainly not a damn hour.  But she went to sleep in all her PJ Masks glory with her Boo doll by her side.

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That doll is creepy AF by the way.

But then something magical happened.  Charlotte slept all night in her bed! I got a full 8 hours without a child on my body! PJ MASKS FOR THE WIN!

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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA.  NONE OF THIS HAPPENED.

She was awake by 9:15.  Grabbing my ear lobes by 9:30.  Questioning my life choices by 9:31.  But someone told me if you write down your dreams they have a better chance of coming true, so here’s hoping!!!

Potty Training Can Die

I have talked about every other shitty aspect of parenting on this blog, so it only makes sense that I talk about literal shit, right? POTTY TRAINING CAN DIEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

There came a day when Charlotte decided she was going to pee on the toilet.  She did it on her own and it was a glorious time.  We bought pull-ups and she was peeing on every toilet everywhere.  I smugly said to everyone how she trained herself on #1 and thought, finally! Something with this child is easy!

Fast forward to now when we are back in diapers because this kid refuses to pee in any toilet, peed in all of her pull-ups and got a rash that still has not gone away no matter how much cream I smear over her ass.  WHY GOD? WHY?  Everything sucks.  I hate diapers so much.  She is so infuriating because I KNOW she can do it and she is just choosing not to.  I should have known better than to think anything with this kid is easy.

And before anyone tells me that I should take 2 days and leave her diaper-less and force her on the toilet, take that advice and shove it up your potty-trained ass.  Every time I try to do this she comes running at me with a diaper and screams at me to put it on her and refuses to stay naked.  She will just lay on the floor and scream her head off until the diaper is on, and if I let her scream and keep it off she just pees on the floor anyway.  Like a dog.

So I’ve decided I’m not potty training her anymore and I’ll just wait until we get back from Disney to figure this shit out.  Pun intended.

Fears & Wishes

There are so many hard parts of parenting.  If you frequent my blog, you’ll know I talk about a lot of them on a weekly basis.  Sleeping, eating, general temper tantrums.  I feel like all of this comes with the territory.  It sucks when you’re in the trenches, but hopefully as the time goes by these things start to get less sucky.  At least I’m hoping that to be the case.

I was prepared for all of that.  Well, as prepared as I could be without knowing what type of kid I was going to end up with.  What I wasn’t prepared for, however, was the crippling anxiety I sometimes feel when I think to myself, am I doing anything right?  Is the fact that I give Charlotte Campbell’s soup or macaroni for pretty much every single meal the right choice, or am I doing it just because I’m lazy?  Is letting her sleep in my bed because that’s the only true way I’ll get any sleep the right choice, or am I doing it because I’m too afraid and weary to sleep train her in her own room at all anymore?  Are the choices I’m making now as a mom going to affect every aspect of her life down the road?  Will she not be an adventurous eater because all she likes is sodium laden water/broth and carbs?  Will she be unable to sleep alone ever?  I’m the type of person who always wants an answer to a question.  So the fact that I can’t answer any of these questions on my own and just rely on my gut instincts is harder than I imagined.

And then there are times that I sit and wonder what type of person she’s going to grow up to be and how I’m shaping that future person.  And this is what really keeps me up at night.  Well, it would, if I wasn’t so exhausted all the time.  But when I really sit and think about it I can drive myself crazy.  If I yell too loud when she does something wrong, am I setting her up for some sort of fear of authority?  If I laugh at her when she does something wrong, am I setting her up to be an asshole?  The never ending questions with no clear answers are always churning in the back of my mind.  I want her to be a kind human being with empathy for others.  I want her to be strong willed (ha ha ha haaaa got my wish on that) and not let anyone push her around, but I want her to be assertive while still being decent and kind.  I want her to be helpful and loving and make good choices.  So it scares me to think that I could somehow be harming her in ways that will derail my wishes for her.  That I could somehow make the wrong choices in how I’m bringing her up that will turn her into a nut job.  I try to lead by example because that’s the only way I know how to go about this.

Parenting is so hard guys.

The Great Vomit Fest of 2017

Happy Monday.  I’m going to talk about vomit today.  YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

Let me set the scene.  Thursday night, driving Charlotte to my mom’s.  Bumper to bumper traffic on the BQE because why the fuck not?  Char and I spent the first half of the journey scream singing PJ Masks songs.  She quiets down and starts to tell me her tummy hurts.  I assume it is just the straps that are bothering her because that’s what she is usually complaining about.  And then I hear some whimpering and then the unmistakable sound of vomiting.  I look in the rear view mirror and now see the spew of vomit erupting from her mouth.  I start to panic because 1) I am alone with her and 2) I am in bumper to bumper traffic and 3) I am not in the best part of town and now need to get the hell off the highway to deal with this.  And then, because things always get worse, I no longer hear her vomiting but I hear the unmistakable sounds of choking.  So now she is covered in vomit and choking on said vomit.  So I violently pull over to the shoulder and prepare to just get out of the car when I mercifully hear her crying so I know the choking has ceased.  Now she is hysterical, covered in vomit and whole segments of puked up mandarin orange.  Which boggles my mind because I watched her chew and swallow her oranges so how the actual F are they whole?  I do what any normal person does in this situation and call my mother in hysterics.  I manage to pull over next to a Ramada in and wipe off the larger chunks of puke from my hysterical child.  She is screaming at me “I need a towdel!! (towel) I need a wipe!!!) So now I’m crying and she’s crying and the air is ripe with the scent of puke.  I wrapped her up in a scarf I had laying in the back seat (I will not carry an entire wardrobe of towels in my car) and got back into the traffic circle of hell where she promptly fell asleep.  In her vomit.  In my scarf.

Have kids they said.

Trick or Treat!

As expected, Charlotte Shea did not wear her Halloween costume.  I managed to get the Catboy costume on her body but it was too small and she kept shrieking “it’s too tight! get it off me right now!” and then when we tried to wrestle her into the Owlette costume we could barely get her feet in without her kicking it off so we gave the hell up.  I had a backup pair of Halloween leggings and a shirt that said Trick or Treat for this scenario, but OF COURSE she refused to wear those too.  She wanted to pick out her own clothes, so we wore a pair of gray leggings that were a size too small, the same PJ Masks shirt she has been wearing for 2 days and a brown hoodie that is also too small.  She insisted on carrying her Boo doll with her (which then became my problem when she tired of holding her) and so we walked around the neighborhood and I held a sign above her head at every house.

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Parents got quite the chuckle out of it.  At every house we visited she did one of two things.  The first was to say “I VERY ANGRY!” instead of saying trick or treat, because of course.  And the second was to just attempt to walk in people’s houses when they opened the door.  Just straight up stepping over the threshold of stranger’s apartments.  She was not getting it.  She did, however, start to get into the swing of things when we opened up some packets of M&Ms and she exclaimed, “I LIKE THESE VERY MUCH! THESE ARE VERY GOOD!” And so to get her to keep walking we kept handing her candy.  This was very much like the scene in Monsters Inc. when Sully is placing Fruit Loops on the floor to get Boo to walk.  Why am I relating everything in my life to Monsters Inc.?  OH, THAT’S RIGHT, BECAUSE WE WATCH IT MULTIPLE TIMES EVERY SINGLE DAY.

I think Eric had the most fun out of anyone.  He was genuinely bummed when Charlotte decided she was ready to go home and so he stood outside our place in her costume handing out candy for another hour.

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And now it is November 1 and Starbucks has their Christmas cups out and the Christmas music has begun so Merry Christmas?  Poor Thanksgiving is always getting shut out.

Anyway, costume or not, we had a great time.  This kid keeps me laughing even when I’m tearing my hair out.  When we went to sleep she grabbed me and Eric by the neck and said “I love you soooo much!” and made us kiss her.  And then she kept talking for about 45 minutes and wouldn’t stop, because M&Ms.

Happy Halloween!

Happy Halloween everyone!  I hope your kiddos all have their costumes ready and everyone is excited for trick or treating!  I have my “costume” ready for later, prepped my candy to give out and have Charlotte’s bag ready for our trick or treating extravaganza.  Charlotte’s choice of two costumes are sitting in the bottom of a brown paper bag because she has decided she hates them and will not wear them.  I’m hoping she changes her mind later and doesn’t scream at me: “costume is bad! throw the costume in the gawbitch! no costume!” Which is what she has been doing every time I try to bring the costume near her.  Which makes NO SENSE WHATSOEVER because she was so excited about Owlette and Catboy but I think stapling a costume to your child’s body is frowned upon so we might be going out in regular clothes.  I have however, come up with a plan to combat this and will post photos later if it needs to be done.

I’m only afraid that there are going to be some dick people out there who say Charlotte can’t have candy because she’s not wearing a costume.  Because if this happens I’m going to follow Charlotte’s advice and THROW THEM IN THE GAWBITCH.

Everyone be safe, have fun, and don’t eat all your candy in one shot!  And can someone out there buy Heath bars for f’s sake!?  NOBODY EVER HAS HEATH BARS AND I LOVE THE TOFFEE GOODNESS.

A Day at Gymnastics

I took the day off of work yesterday to take Charlotte to her gymnastics class and for her flu shot.   She goes to gymnastics every Wednesday with our rockin’ babysitter but I haven’t been able to take her in a really long time and was feeling bad about it so off we went.  It was … interesting.

Charlotte was super clingy at the beginning.  The other moms made a comment about how she usually is never like this and is always the one leading the class, so I guess my presence turned her into a bit of an asshole.  Every time the teacher asked if she wanted to do something she started screaming “NO! I A LITTLE ANGRY! I A LITTLE CRANKY!” and just wanted to be off by herself, but after a little while she finally started to participate and show me what she can do.  Her favorite activity is the bar and the teacher mentioned to me that she is very strong and when she is actively participating she does a great job, so I guess that’s good?  Here’s my little monkey:

I was surprised with how well she could hold on and pull herself up on that bar.  She loved it so much and kept saying “I show mommy more!”  But then when the other kids wanted to use it she turned into a demon and I had to do that awkward in public disciplining that I seriously hate soooo much.  Isn’t that one of the worst parts of parenting?  When you have to calmly discipline your child instead of screaming at them like you want to?  And then it doesn’t even work because HELLO SHE’S TWO AND A HALF and I just have to keep repeating “we have to share, everyone gets a turn, we don’t say we want to hit little boys” and then that turned into this:

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Fun times I tell ya.  So glad I took off work to do this.  BUT the teacher then set up an obstacle course and she was really into it:

If only she would let me pull her hair back! WHY GOD WHYYYYYYY?!

Anyway, it was an hour well spent out of the house, so that’s a plus.  After that we went right across the way for her flu shot which I had major, major anxiety about.  And then because my child always surprises me, she watched the nurse put the needle in her arm and said “ohhh that hurt” and then asked me for a sprinkle cookie.  She didn’t even cry.  WHAT.  Thank God for small miracles!