It’s almost Mother’s Day and you know what that means!! All the Mother’s Day gift guides have been rolled out across the internets. Oh what a time. Here are a few of the very real gift ideas that I found during my google search:

An online cooking class with Gordon Ramsey for $180 dollars. You know what’s not a great idea? Gifting the mother in your life a cooking class after she has most likely just spent the entirety of the pandemic cooking 3 meals a day for her family. If anyone in my family gifted me a cooking class after watching me prepare food constantly for over a year I would rip my stove out of the wall in a fit of Hulk rage. Get her a gift card to seamless and call it a day.

A grow your own mushroom kit. I just can’t see the majority of mothers out there being thankful for this kind of thing unless it’s a different kind of mushroom, you know what I mean? Why would we want something ELSE we have to keep alive? Who likes mushrooms enough to grow them yourself? They’re usually 2 for 5 at the grocery store.

Retinol anti-aging cream. OK OK OK. So I am fairly certain the majority of moms need this, but do we want it from our children for MOTHER’S DAY? Hey mom, you look like garbage, here’s some cream, Happy Mother’s day! Actually, the reason we have so many wrinkles is because of our children so maybe they should be the ones doling out the bucks for the cream. At least just get us a facial so we can enjoy the experience.

A box of mejdool dates, for the “mom with a sweet tooth.” I have a sweet tooth. I don’t want a box of mejdool dates. Get me some real candy, you cowards.

Sooooo many teapots. What is with the teapots? Do moms really drink that much tea? Most of the moms I know are drinking room temperature coffee, right? I’m always drinking room temperature coffee.

Any type of jewelry that has a heart with MOM in it. I don’t want to sound rude but I am fairly certain nobody wants this. Nobody needs a fake gold chain that says BEST MOM EVER in big letters the size of Flava Flav’s clock necklace. Diamonds are a girl’s best friend isn’t a saying for no reason!!

The old faithful gift idea for those that forget to get gifts, a “coupon” book of things to do for mom. This is cute if it is coming from young kids with an ACTUAL gift from the husband on the side. But if you’re only giving your mom a piece of construction paper that says “good for one massage” I can promise you you’re going to have a mom who is madder than a pissed on chicken. NO THANKS.

I say it every year and it still holds true. GIVE YOUR MOTHER A DAY OF SILENCE. Take those children AWAYYYYYY. Get RID OF THEM FOR AN AFTERNOON. Let her sleep in and eat what she wants when she wants and let her watch TV on the couch without worrying about who needs a snack or a diaper change. LET HER TAKE A NAP. And for the love of God, DO NOT MAKE HER BREAKFAST IN BED. NOBODY WANTS THAT. NOBODY.

My family gifted me with AirPods which is a necessary, welcomed, and appreciated gift. I have already begun using them to drown out the sounds of my children, which is really what they were intended for. Happy Mother’s Day indeed.

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