Hi there! It’s been a while. Probably because we have “gone back to school” which is the funniest thing I’ve typed in a while. Back to school on a computer. We were supposed to go back on September 10, then September 21, and now Charlotte won’t see the inside of a classroom until next Thursday, and I’m still not holding out hope. In the month of October she’ll go to the classroom a whopping 6 times! All the other days will be done on a DOE issued laptop at my dining room table as I try to keep her paying attention while simultaneously taking caring of my 3 month old daughter, who never seems to nap during a single class thus far. She has an in person teacher and a remote teacher, two different google classrooms, an email address, an app to check and Zoom. But because she is FIVE YEARS OLD this is my responsibility. Did I mention my maternity leave is coming to an end and I’ll be working from home full time again? Is there a word that is more stressed than stress? Because that’s what I am! I am so stressed that I’ve had three clogged milk ducts in less than a month and am currently on a round of antibiotics for an infection. YAY REMOTE LEARNING!

OK, enough complaining. Let’s just get down to the nitty gritty of what remote learning is all about with kindergarten kids. On day 1, one kid unmuted himself to ask when it was going to be over. The kids all seem to know how to unmute themselves and do so at any given moment, so in addition to the teacher trying to keep their attention we also get to hear parents screaming, phone calls, babies crying (that’s me!) and children complaining. Charlotte unmuted herself to say she cannot wait until the coronavirus is back so everyone stays home again. I then furiously mute her and scream like a lunatic and then unmute her again when it’s time to present like nothing ever happened. Today she told her teacher “mommy is sad because Spanky is dead.” There is no order to these lessons and children are just screaming out answers to questions, mine included. This morning a little girl was crying because Charlotte wasn’t raising her hand and just yelling shit out. But Mackenzie was nursing so I couldn’t be near the computer because for some reason this DOE laptop has a very wide angle camera and I learned this the hard way last week while nursing. Bet nobody was expecting that educational experience.

There is SO much bribing going on in this household as I’m sure there is in others. I scream whisper that if she just participates she can have a brownie or an ice cream cone or 750 gold stickers to put on her wall. For the most part she is doing the best she can and when she participates I am way off to the side like some energizer bunny hype woman telling her what a good job she is doing. School is hard enough for a shy kid like Charlotte, so internet school is another ball game. If she doesn’t like something she makes sure her face is showing her displeasure. When the good morning song comes on she covers her ears and makes a face like she’s going to throw up. IT’S GREAT. WE’RE ALL DOING FINE.

I don’t blame the teachers for these lessons. I can’t imagine how difficult it is to plan something to teach on a computer to 5 year old kids that can’t sit still to save their life. It’s a miracle none of them just start screaming “PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PRESS THE MUTE BUTTON YOU DEMONS” because that’s what I want to scream every morning. They are trying their best like we are trying our best but if this is how it’s going to be for this school year I don’t think anyone is going to learn anything, except Charlotte’s class will probably learn how to properly latch a baby while trying to mute their complaining children.

Send wine.

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