HA. Far from feelin’ fine, but at least it rhymes. How are you all doing out there? Have we gotten used to this yet? Have we all accepted this is literally it for us? I haven’t written in weeks, and it isn’t because I haven’t had the time. All we have is time now. Every day is Groundhog’s Day. It’s just that most of the time I feel panic and I don’t want to write something stupid such as, “at least I can drown myself in my pool.” Some days I wake up and feel comforted by this routine Charlotte and I have created, while other days I am in what I call “the hell zone” and wonder how the actual hell we can continue to live like this. I miss people. I miss Target. I miss relish trays at the diner and bread baskets. DO YOU GUYS REMEMBER BREAD BASKETS? WARM BREAD AND BUTTER? I miss having something, anything, to look forward to.
When I say this, people respond with “but you will have the baby in a few weeks! That is something to look forward to!” But seriously, look at your current state of affairs and throw a newborn into the mix. Would you look forward to a newborn in a pandemic? No family and no friends and awkward conversations explaining no visitors. Showing off the baby on FaceTime and drive by’s like she is Simba in the Lion King. Maybe I’ll organize a new birth parade and everyone can roll down the street honking their horns as I sob into my mesh underwear. It’s just going from one type of quarantine to another. I’m very much looking forward to NOT being pregnant anymore, because this child is destroying me, and of course I cannot wait for newborn snuggles and all that shit, but I have a brush with PPD and I don’t really think social distancing and lockdowns are good for that? Maybe I’m worrying about nothing, but I’m very good at that. If I’ve learned anything during the pandemic, it’s that I am EXCELLENT at worrying about things I cannot control. It’s like my very own superpower.
Also, thinking about September gives me full body hives. We’ve all been hearing our kids probably won’t be going back to school so I guess I should brush up on my kindergarten lessons so I can spend my maternity leave teaching Charlotte? HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? WHY GOD WHY?
In some good news, (do we get good news anymore?) we opened our pool, so even though it’s been 60 degrees outside (again, WHY?) and the water is cold enough to facilitate hypothermia, I have something pretty to look at outside. It will be good for Charlotte this summer even though I won’t be able to go in because birth takes away so many things from mothers, including chlorinated pools for 6 weeks, but at least we won’t be stuck in the house screaming at each other like we have been. I’ll stick a fan on the baby and FaceTime a lifeguard for Char and pray for an end to this madness.
Hang in there everyone. We’re all in this together, wash your hands, wear your mask, blah blah blah. I can’t wait to friggin’ drink.