If you are one of those parents that limits screen time and only allows certain apps and has everything electronic on some sort of schedule then I’m sorry to say this post isn’t for you. Just stop reading and go away. We can’t be friends.
SO, welcome to my fellow screen time loving parents! iPads are where it’s at, am I right?! Let me preface this story by saying that I do play and interact with my child, but when I come home from work and have to cook dinner, the iPad is her mother. The iPad raises my child until I’m done cooking and we’re all fine with that. Everything is good.
So the other night I needed to bread some chicken cutlets. Sometimes I let Char help me with cooking but I am not going to let her help me bread chicken cutlets because eggs, literal crumbs and raw chicken do not mix well with a toddler. With my luck she’d try to eat raw chicken when she doesn’t eat anything else and then I’d be telling you the salmonella story and not how YouTube failed me. But I digress.
I was breading the cutlets in the kitchen and Charlotte was laughing at a YouTube video when all of a sudden I hear, “what the f*ck Elmo? what the f*ck Kermit?” (PS: Also, I know my dad and grandma read my blog occasionally. I know you don’t always appreciate my language. Just want to let you know I am RECAPPING A STORY. I need to show that curses were used. I didn’t use them, the video did. But I didn’t write out the curse word so please don’t @ me. I bet you won’t know what that is. It’s OK. Love you guys!) (PPS: Yes, I am an almost 31 year old apologizing to her father and grandmother in her blog. This is what is happening right now.) OK, so where was I? Yes, yes, Elmo and Kermit are being cursed at. I, of course, immediately ran over and ripped the iPad away from her to see what the heck she was watching. And it was Muppet pornography. Elmo was servicing Kermit in a way that is not only inappropriate for 3 year old girls but it really wasn’t even appropriate for me. Needless to say, I was horrified. I put extra restrictions on the YouTube app (I know I should have done this earlier, but this HAS NEVER HAPPENED!). Then I blocked and reported this user. She went back to watching something appropriate and annoying and I thought we were cool.
Until the next day when the first video that popped up on her suggestions was “Kermit Kommits Suicide!” alongside a photo of Kermit with a bottle of bleach next to him. And this is when I deleted YouTube entirely and downloaded YouTube kids, which led her to a meltdown of all meltdowns but something she has come to accept, so technically I’m an excellent responsible mother and everything is A-OKAY. Right?