Ahhh it’s that time again.  The weather warms up, the flowers start to bloom, and the mother’s day gift guides come out of the woodwork.  You know what I want for Mother’s Day?  To not be a mother for the day, that’s what I want.  Anyway, I saw an article this morning on Buzzfeed titled “19 Practical Mother’s Day Gifts for Moms Who Are Hard To Shop For.”  Here is the link because honestly it is worth checking out just for the sheer amount of WTF involved:

Mother’s Day Gift Guide – Buzzfeed

If you don’t feel like clicking on the link to see the 19 items for yourself, let me break some of my favorites down for you.

  • They list a squatty potty.  They suggest you buy your mom a stool to rest her feet and legs on while she is going to the bathroom.  Is there anything that can adequately express the love you have for your mom more than a poop stool?
  • A really good umbrella.  If someone buys me an umbrella for Mother’s Day I think I would snap it open into their face to be honest.
  • An extra long i-Phone charger.  Because nothing says I love you mom more than an extension cord.
  • A butter saver.  Literally a piece of plastic to put on the end of the stick of butter in the fridge.  So the mom in your life can be reminded that she lives with savages who cut pieces of butter off and leave it opened in the fridge.  That’s what we all want for Mother’s Day.
  • My personal favorite: a sunrise alarm clock.  Apparently this clock emits light to slowly wake you up from sleep.  You know what else wakes us up from sleep?  OUR DAMN KIDS.  WE DON’T WANT AN ELECTRONIC DEVICE TO WAKE US UP WHEN WE ALREADY HAVE THE HUMAN FORMS OF AN ALARM CLOCK.
  • A pair of “cushy knee pads.”  The writer of the list wrote “good for anyone who does chores.”  ANYONE WHO DOES CHORES?!  Happy Mother’s Day, mom!  Here are some knee pads for all of the chores you do.  Instead of me doing the chores on this day of love and recognition, I’ll just get you some hideous cushions to put on your knees to make your Cinderella days a little bit easier.  COME. ON.

You know what we want for Mother’s Day?  Peace and quiet.  SERIOUSLY.  Take the kids and GO.  If your kids are older perhaps you want to spend time with them and to that I say take your mom out to brunch or something.  Pay the check.  Get her a gift certificate to get her hair and nails done.  But for the love of God, don’t buy her a STOOL TO SHIT ON.

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