Fears & Wishes

There are so many hard parts of parenting.  If you frequent my blog, you’ll know I talk about a lot of them on a weekly basis.  Sleeping, eating, general temper tantrums.  I feel like all of this comes with the territory.  It sucks when you’re in the trenches, but hopefully as the time goes by these things start to get less sucky.  At least I’m hoping that to be the case.

I was prepared for all of that.  Well, as prepared as I could be without knowing what type of kid I was going to end up with.  What I wasn’t prepared for, however, was the crippling anxiety I sometimes feel when I think to myself, am I doing anything right?  Is the fact that I give Charlotte Campbell’s soup or macaroni for pretty much every single meal the right choice, or am I doing it just because I’m lazy?  Is letting her sleep in my bed because that’s the only true way I’ll get any sleep the right choice, or am I doing it because I’m too afraid and weary to sleep train her in her own room at all anymore?  Are the choices I’m making now as a mom going to affect every aspect of her life down the road?  Will she not be an adventurous eater because all she likes is sodium laden water/broth and carbs?  Will she be unable to sleep alone ever?  I’m the type of person who always wants an answer to a question.  So the fact that I can’t answer any of these questions on my own and just rely on my gut instincts is harder than I imagined.

And then there are times that I sit and wonder what type of person she’s going to grow up to be and how I’m shaping that future person.  And this is what really keeps me up at night.  Well, it would, if I wasn’t so exhausted all the time.  But when I really sit and think about it I can drive myself crazy.  If I yell too loud when she does something wrong, am I setting her up for some sort of fear of authority?  If I laugh at her when she does something wrong, am I setting her up to be an asshole?  The never ending questions with no clear answers are always churning in the back of my mind.  I want her to be a kind human being with empathy for others.  I want her to be strong willed (ha ha ha haaaa got my wish on that) and not let anyone push her around, but I want her to be assertive while still being decent and kind.  I want her to be helpful and loving and make good choices.  So it scares me to think that I could somehow be harming her in ways that will derail my wishes for her.  That I could somehow make the wrong choices in how I’m bringing her up that will turn her into a nut job.  I try to lead by example because that’s the only way I know how to go about this.

Parenting is so hard guys.