Last night while I was in Charlotte’s room for an hour trying to get her to go to sleep, and again when she woke up at 12:30, I thought of a list of things I would do to have a child that went to bed and stayed in bed.  I know I talk about sleep a lot.  I know it is probably boring and exhausting for you.  It is literally exhausting for me.  It’s been 2 years and 7 months (today!) of sleep struggles for Charlotte.  It’s been cry it out a million times.  It’s been every trick in the book.  Some work for a little while, some never work.  So I thought of all the things I would do for a sleeper.  Some of them are actually so terrible I won’t write them down, but a few, in no particular order:

  • I would eat the testicles of an animal.  Seriously.  If a wizard came up to me and said “eat these bull testicles and your daughter will sleep 8-8 every night, I would literally bite the testicles off the bull and swallow them whole.  I am not kidding.
  • I would give up dairy again.  I did this for 10 months when Charlotte couldn’t handle the dairy in my breast milk.  It was incredibly difficult then, but  I would give it up for my entire fucking life if she would sleep.  Seriously people, I’m at the point where I would stop eating mozzarella just to tuck her ass into bed and not have to worry about her until the next morning.  I am that exhausted.
  • I’d never use an iPhone again.  I’d use a Nokia flip phone.  Hell, I’d use a fucking beeper.  I’d throw my iPhone into the Atlantic Ocean and never look back.  Sleep over technology people.  SLEEP OVER TECHNOLOGY.
  • I’d shave my head.
  • I’d never buy new clothes again.  I would seriously wear clothes with holes in them for 12 hours of deep sleep for Charlotte.
  • I’d punch a kid in the face.  I know violence against children is wrong and I would never condone it, but if that wizard said “if you punch that kid in the face (he will suffer no lasting damage, I promise) I’ll let you daughter sleep” you can bet your ass my fist would fly before the wizard could finish his sentence.
  • I would refrain from watching the Game of Thrones final season and never know what happens to any of the dragons and people.  I’d never see Jon Snow’s ass again.  I WOULD GIVE UP JON SNOW’S ASS FOR SLEEP.

None of these things are actually going to happen, so don’t come at me yelling at me about punching kids.  I’m not going to punch your kid.  Nobody is getting punched because Charlotte will never sleep.  Eric and I know this.  Eric and I accept this.  ERIC AND I ARE TIRED.

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