I’m going to be 30 in less than 3 weeks.  Some of my friends have already hit this milestone and some have yet to get there.  I have really mixed feelings about it.  For one, I still feel like I just turned 21 and therefore age ain’t nothin’ but a number.  But on the other hand I feel like, holy shittttt I’m not going to be in my 20’s anymore what is happening where is my life whaaaaaat.

So I found this list online about 30 Things to Do Before 30 and I’m actually surprised at how much I’ve done.  So what I’m going to do here is list the things the list says and let you know if/how I’ve done it.  Because this is exactly what you want to read on this fine Wednesday morning, I’m sure.  But it’s either this or the impending doom of our entire country, so take your pick!

  1. Travel somewhere you don’t know the language. – I DID THIS! I went to Paris.  I don’t speak French.  I WIN NUMBER 1.
  2. Date someone who isn’t “your type.”  Been there, done that.  I’m killing this 30 list you guys.
  3. Start your 401(k). Also done! I AM SUCH A FISCALLY RESPONSIBLE ALMOST 30 YEAR OLD.
  4. Take a risk. Go bungee-jumping or skydiving or swim with sharks.  NEGATIVE.  I don’t want to die before I’m 30 so NO THANKSSSSS.
  5. Buy some stocks.  I actually did this yesterday! Before I read the list! WHAT A WONDERFUL HUMAN I AM. (I’m going to lose all my money because I don’t know what I’m doing.)
  6. Get in a heated political debate. NO FUCKING THANK YOU.  I don’t think the world needs another heated political debate right now.  Especially not from me.
  7. Stop holding grudges.  I can say I don’t believe I am holding a grudge against anyone right now, so I am a mature individual killing this list.  Actually, I hold a grudge against my daughter for not sleeping.  So I guess I lose this one.
  8. Start a collection.  The list suggests “something fun, quirky, and totally you.”  I have a collection of Charlotte’s toys that I don’t want, and a collection of random ass papers and plastic bags I’ve never thrown out.  Does this count?
  9. Take a cross-country road trip.  Literally never going to do this.  I can’t even handle my hour commute let alone hours in a car on a highway.
  10. Pay off your credit card debt.  I only have one card with a balance on it right now and that’s because I had to spend money on Charlotte’s, I mean my, new bed.
  11. Attend a multi-day/weekend music festival.  No.  I am too old for this level of shit.
  12. Set a reading goal.  I read all the time! Always have, always will.  Maybe I am accomplishing things?
  13. Overcome a fear.  I’m afraid of bugs and spiders so I’m just going to keep that fear because I’m never getting close to them.
  14. Get a tattoo.  I got one right after I turned 18!  It is stupid but it’s hidden.  My god that was 12 years ago…
  15. Join a club.  Unless it’s a wine club or a vodka club, I’m not joining shit in the near future.
  16. Treat yourself to something really expensive.  I bought a co-op.  That shit was really expensive.
  17. Be the first person to apologize.  Well, I apologized to Charlotte last night for growling at her to go to sleep.  She never apologizes to me, so I do this on the regular.
  18. Run a marathon.  NEVA EVA EVA EVA EVA EVA gonna happen.  I can not think of a worse way to spend my time.  If you’re a runner, that’s great, but I would rather NOT.
  19. Forgive yourself for mistakes.  I do this! Like when I had an apoplectic meltdown over Charlotte flooding the bathroom by washing her hands and screaming at her like a crazy person.  I forgave myself for that mistake.  But wouldn’t you go crazy if your toddler flooded your bathroom?  I think so.  Forgive yourself, it’s OK.
  20. Learn how to cook.  I’ve been making my own meals for years.  I was a pretty impressive cook before I had Charlotte.  Eric will attest to that.  But now I make boring shortcut meals because I have no time or energy and if I could I’d eat McDonald’s every day.
  21. Eat really expensive food.  Ummm, bread is like $4 a loaf when it isn’t on sale.  That’s pretty fucking expensive to me.  Also, organic ANYTHING is expensive.  Honestly we need to cut down on food prices.
  22. Pay it forward.  I’ve paid for people’s drinks behind me on line at a drive-thru on a couple of occasions.  I’d like to think I made their day and then they went and did the same for someone else.
  23. Attempt to break a world record.  How the actual F am I supposed to do this?  How is anyone supposed to do this, at any age?  I feel like this was a filler in their list because they had to get to 30 things.  This is dumb.
  24. Pick a cause and be passionate about it.  My cause is Charlotte sleeping.  I write about it on this blog almost every day.  I am PRETTY PASSIONATE ABOUT CHARLOTTE SLEEPING.
  25. Make your family tree.  I did this on Ancestry.com when I had a free trial but then the trial ended and I canceled it because of the $4 loaves of bread I have to buy.
  26. Attend the Olympic games.  YEAH BECAUSE I’M MADE OF MONEY.
  27. See a Broadway play.  I’ve been checking this one off the list since I was 6 years old! Gotta hand it to my parents for introducing me to Broadway at an early age and constantly gifting me with tickets to shows.  Can’t wait to bring Charlotte to one!  I bet she’ll sleep through it.
  28. Work a menial job.  I worked in a bakery and it was pretty menial.  Does this count?  I ate a lot of free food though.  They also made fresh mozzarella and I would just eat balls of it fresh out of the pot.  Memories.
  29. Become a connoisseur in something.  I’d like to think I am a cheese connoisseur.  Mmmmm cheese.  Someone get me a wheel of brie for my 30th.  Make it expensive.  I’ll eat it on my $4 loaf of bread.
  30. Make a list of 40 things to do before 40.  THE ONLY THING ON THIS LIST IS TO GET CHARLOTTE TO SLEEP.

I guess 30 doesn’t look so bad after I’ve done a lot of stuff on this list.  I am accomplished and I’m still young!  It’ll be OK.  Someone tell me it’ll be OK!


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