If you watch Game of Thrones (and if you don’t; WHY?!), you’ll know that the Long Night refers to a period when terrible darkness spread over the entire known land.  The Long Night is supposedly coming again soon, when the Night King takes over and murders everyone.  Well I’m here to tell you that the Long Night already came back, and it happened last night in my house with my child.  I would actually take the Night King over the horrors this child is inflicting upon me to be honest.

It took 40 minutes to get Charlotte to go to sleep on the couch last night, which is not my main complaint.  Sure, it’s a long time, but we talked about her day and I sang Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star until my tongue was swollen.  She finally passed out and was in a deep sleep, so I started cleaning up a little bit around the house because it somehow always looks like a tornado and a hurricane came through while I was at work.  Eric was ready to wake up so he texted me from the bedroom asking if it was safe.  I said I’d put her in her crib and then he could come out.  Safe it was not.

Charlotte has been going into her crib in a dead sleep for over a week now.  But last night, she somehow realized it was me moving her and not Eric and she woke up the second I put her down.  And so the screaming and the long night began.  We finally got to witness her escaping her crib on the monitor.  Kid is a damn ninja.  She was in hysterics and came out in her nightgown screaming at me.  I told her she could just sleep with me, because it was like 8:45 at this point and I really just wanted to do my workout and watch America’s Got Talent with my husband.  And so I sang more songs and after 20 minutes I thought she was asleep so I crawled on out of there.

Spoiler alert: she was still up.  “Mommy mommy mommy mommy!”  I threw my clothes on the couch in a fit of rage.  Eric looked up at me very concerned.  And so back in the room I went, except now, because she is some sort of sleep freak, she was completely awake.  I guess the 20 minutes of deep sleep she got was enough for her?  I took a 12 second shower while she screamed for me, got her a bottle and had the bottle leak onto her which caused even more hysterics.  There was no working out.  There was no America’s Got Talent.  There was no 5 minutes to myself after a day of work.  There was just laying on a sliver of space in a bed with a toddler who wasn’t going to sleep for shit.  She was singing songs at the top of her lungs.  She was making fart jokes.  She was demanding that I put on my glasses every time I tried to carefully remove them from my face.  “NO SLEEP! NO CLOSE MY EYES!”  She was asking about armpits.  She was hiccuping from laughing about her fart jokes and calling them “hippups.”

She didn’t pass out until 10:30.  Because she wants to be an only child, I think.  And then my alarm goes off, and this kid is out cold — snoring and everything — and I said to myself, at least I can make my cup of coffee in peace.  Kid was up before I even got my hand on the door knob.  I DO NOT UNDERSTANDDDDDDDDDDD.

This is my Long Night people.  The period of darkness is here.  Winter has come.  Charlotte always pays her debts.  Yada, yada, yada.  God help me.

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