When I came home from Hershey Park, I brought back 3 bags of chocolate and 2 extra pounds. Yesterday I was sitting on the couch with Charlotte eating my third miniature dark chocolate bar when I got disgusted with myself and said out loud that I was so gross and fat. And then Charlotte looked up at me and said “mama fat?” I quickly said I was making a joke and played it off and she went back to playing with her toys. But then I couldn’t get that moment out of my head. Because for one, I know I’m not fat. And two, would it really matter if I was? Our society is SO obsessed with being thin and berating ourselves when we don’t eat healthy food and working out 7 days a week and we are clearly projecting this on our kids without us even realizing it. If I eat a bacon cheeseburger and say how bad I’m being, what does that show Charlotte? That to be good you should only consume vegetables (which she already does not) and you’re a bad person if you indulge in not so healthy items?
Charlotte is picking up on everything now, and I really don’t want her to pick up on the bad body habits that have already been ingrained into my head. Of course I want her to be healthy and make healthy choices, but I want her to do that for HER and not because she thinks if she eats a salad and stays at a certain weight her life will be better. Life is actually better when you throw some bacon cheeseburgers in there in my honest opinion. I want her to work out to be STRONG and not because she thinks she needs a “beach body.” Every body is a beach body. You have a body you go to the beach THAT’S A BEACH BODY. I want her to be able to skip workouts and not feel guilty about it and think she’s a failure or lazy, like I do some weeks. I don’t want her to feel pressure to buy products that claim to remove cellulite (because they won’t, and I’m pretty sure we all have cellulite so who really gives a shit, am I right?) or think she can’t wear certain things because of however her body top will be. Growing up I always had issues with the fact that I have small boobs and thunder thighs and bigger hips. Well you know what? Those small boobs nourished a life for 22 damn months, and those thunder thighs and big hips helped push out a human. Our bodies were made to actually do things, not just fit into a bikini or low rise jeans.
My point is, I don’t want her to think her body has to define her. I don’t want her to look at a heavier person and think they’re lazy. I don’t want her to look at a skinny person and think they’re the picture of workout perfection. I want her to look at people and see them for who they are as a person and not as a body type. And that starts with me. I want her to see me workout because I want to be strong and not skinny. I want her to watch me do yoga, not so that I can have a lean body, but so that I can perfect a crow pose. I want her to see me use weights, not so that I don’t have saggy arm skin, but so that I can lift her high over my head without breaking a sweat. I’m going to do better and be better for her. So some days I’ll eat egg whites and spinach, and other days I’ll eat pasta and chocolate, and I won’t feel bad about any of it. Life is meant to be enjoyed, and people are meant to be valued. And that’s all I’ve got to say about that.