Guys, it’s happened.  God has forsaken us.  He has left us in the trenches of hell.  We are in crib hell.

As of February 2, 2017, Charlotte Shea Schwartz can climb out of her crib.


It’s not fair I tell you! NOT FAIR.  We just started sleeping less like an asshole and more like a semi-asshole and NOW SHE CAN CLIMB OUT.  She figured it out in one night!  Eric texted me yesterday afternoon saying he saw her in the monitor after she was put down for her nap STANDING ON THE LEDGE like she was on a balance beam.  And then every time she was put back down she climbed back up and was straddling the crib like it was a horse refusing to sleep.  THIS IS WHAT HELL DREAMS ARE MADE OF.

Before you come at me and say, “oh it may be time for a big girl bed!” I say to you: SHUT UP.  SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP.  We are NOT READY for a big girl bed.  Can you even imagine me trying to get the worst sleeper of all sleepers to stay IN A BED?!  It is not that time.  It is not even close to that time.  SO, here are the options we will be implementing before we take on that hellish endeavor.

Option 1: The sleep sack.  I put it on her last night and she couldn’t get out of the crib at my mom’s house.  I am not sure if this is because my mom’s crib is better than ours and she can’t balance on it or if the sack is actually keeping her from hoisting her legs over the side.  What they don’t tell you when you are shopping for baby furniture is that while the beautiful decorative crib you are purchasing for your sweet demon baby may look pretty, if the front of the crib has a nice thick ledge (like the one I’ve got), she’s going to balance her sleep revolting ass on it and get out.  The crib at my parents house has no such ledge, and therefore may be better for keeping the kid contained.  We’ll see how the sack works back at our house.

Option 2: If the sack doesn’t work, I’m going to try and see if we can remove the springs that the mattress rests on and put the mattress on the floor like she is some kind of animal.  WHICH SHE IS. BECAUSE SHE KEEPS CLIMBING LIKE A MONKEY.  If this doesn’t work, we are left with our third option.

Option 3: Turn the crib around.  This will look RIDICULOUS, but the back of her crib is much, much higher than the front and therefore if the ledge portion is against the wall she won’t be able to get out.  I don’t know how we’ll get her in it though.  We might have to  throw her over the top, which probably won’t help her sleeping.

Option 4: Tie her legs together like a turkey.  This is my favorite option, but I was told it is child abuse, so I guess I can’t commit to this option.  Drats.

I swear, when one thing starts to get easy and you think you’re in the clear, you’re thrown a curve ball.  I have been up since 4:30 this morning because I had a nightmare that she climbed out of the crib and pulled a dresser onto herself and I couldn’t get myself to relax.  The anxiety is so real.  It’s crazy how worked up you can get over all the what ifs in parenting.

Please pray that one of these options work, because I am telling you I will tie her legs together before I venture into big girl bed territory.  NOT READY NOT READY NOT READY.

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