There are so many rules out there for moms. No screen time, only cook homemade baby food, don’t let them touch your phone, engage in educational activities 20 hours out of every day, don’t co-sleep, don’t formula feed, stop breastfeeding at a certain age, don’t let them play with fire. It can be exhausting and half the time you feel like you’re doing something wrong.
Well, I am here today to assuage your fears. You’re doing a great job mama! And you want to know why? Because the moms in children’s literature are the absolute worst and as long as you don’t end up like them, you’ll be fine! This idea came to me last night while I had to listen to “Five Little Monkeys” on repeat 17 times in the car until Charlotte fell asleep. So, without further ado:
Hansel and Gretel
The mom in Hansel and Gretel convinced her husband to dump Hansel and Gretel in the woods once the great famine settled over their land so she and her hubs wouldn’t starve. Pretty sure you could let your kid watch TV for a week straight and not be anywhere as bad as this psycho.
Five Little Monkeys
Why didn’t anyone call child services on mama monkey? She called the doctor FIVE TIMES. Five times!! “Put those monkeys back to bed, no more monkeys jumping on the bed!” “Hi doctor, so sorry to bother you again but monkey #3 just fell and hit their head again.” “JESUS CHRIST LADY WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO YOUR KIDS????” So, if you ever feel bad about your kid falling off your bed by accident (guilty as charged over here), don’t get discouraged. Mama monkey let all five of her spawn get head injuries and she still kept her kids.
The Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe
There was an old woman who lived in a shoe.
She had so many children, she didn’t know what to do;
She gave them some broth without any bread;
Then whipped them all soundly and put them to bed.
Jesus. I mean, whipping is bad enough, but giving them broth WITHOUT BREAD???? You’ll never be as bad as this woman. Also, she was basically Michelle Duggar with all those kids.
Goldilocks & the Three Bears
In this story, you’ve got a bad mom we never see, and the type of mom we all can relate to. First, there is Goldilocks’ mom. We never see her, but we know she is a fuck up, because she let her kid go into the forest alone and then walk right into someone’s house and mess it all up. So as long as you don’t raise your kid to be an asshole, you’re not as bad as Goldilocks’ mom.
And then there is Mama Bear. YOU GUYS. WE ARE ALL MAMA BEAR. Why? Well all you need to do to realize this is to look at the porridge situation. Papa Bear’s porridge is too hot. This is probably because Mama Bear has had enough of Papa Bear’s shit and she therefore tried to scald his mouth. I think we can relate to this. Baby Bear’s porridge is just right, because of course it is. She is tending to the needs to her child and made his porridge perfect. And Mama Bear’s porridge? That shit is TOO COLD. BECAUSE SHE WAS TOO BUSY TAKING CARE OF BABY BEAR. How many of us have eaten cold food because we’re too busy taking care of the little ones? WE. ARE. ALL. MAMA. BEAR.
I honestly can’t even believe I wrote all of this. I think the sleep deprivation has gotten to my brain.