I really want to know why nobody thinks to arm parents with the information that sleep regressions are actual real things that happen to children and maybe we should be warned about them far, far, far in advance?  Charlotte has gone through every single sleep regression that is listed.  The 4 month, the 8 month, the 12 month, and now, the 18 month.  Which, I’m told, is the absolute worst sleep regression of all regressions.  And you know what?  IT IS THE ABSOLUTE WORST.

For the past week or so, Charlotte, who has been sleeping well by her standards, has started to either wake up around 3-3:30 AM FOR THE DAY, wake up at 11:45 at night to scream for no reason, or refuse to nap.  This, combined with the fact that she is an independent woman and no one shall hold her down and therefore throws the sickest tantrums I’ve ever seen, has resulted in DIFFICULT DAYS.  Now, I’ve been told by other moms and the internets that the 18 month sleep regression occurs because your feral beast, I mean child, is going through an explosion of development and therefore their brain is in overdrive and therefore there is no time to sleep.  Or nap.  Or eat.  Or listen.  Or do anything that you want them to do.  Char literally has every single sign of the dreaded regression.  She has changes in appetite, extreme moodiness and crankiness, night wakings, and refusal to nap and shorter naps when she does pass the hell out.  So now, because she is so overtired and can’t sleep, she has become a monster of all monsters.  Apparently all of this is also a way for her to test her limits and see what she can get away with.  For example, when she drawers on the cabinets and chalk and I yell not to do that, yet she smiles and does it anyway, and then I yell louder and then she throws herself on the floor and hits her head on the cabinet in the process, she is learning that mommy doesn’t put up with this shit.  We are going crazy in our house.  Yesterday Eric was up with her from 3-7, and then I took over from 7-11:30, when she finally took a nap that lasted a whopping 41 minutes.  She was then up for the rest of the day.

The only positive sign is that I can clearly see the so called “explosion of development.”  On Saturday night she went to sleep calling Mickey “Mi Mi” and Sunday morning she woke up and said Mickey perfectly.  Today she said Minnie perfectly.  She is now actually playing by herself, setting up all of her little toys and making them have conversations.  This morning she put all of her little Disney figures on her chair and then took turns making them all kiss each other.  She is saying at least two new words every day.  So, I guess even though her sleep is all haywire, I know it’s temporary (they tell me it’s temporary, it better be temporary) and she’s getting smarter, so that’s obviously a plus to this hell we are living in.  She’s recognizing shapes, numbers, the ABC’s.  She can ask me for things and communicate better than she did last week.  So, thanks for that sleep regression.  But can you do me a favor and GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE BECAUSE WE ARE ALL SO TIRED WE AREN’T GOING TO MAKE IT.

Also, if your child never went through any sleep regression ever, I actually hate you.  Full blown hatred coming your way.

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