by This morning Charlie girl decided she was going to wake up at 4:13 AM and stay awake for the entire day. On the one hand I have to be grateful that this whole week she has been sleeping until at least 4 AM without waking up. On the other hand, who the fuck wakes up at 4:13 on purpose? I brought her to bed with me hoping she would nurse and fall back asleep. She nursed forrrreeeevvvverrrrr and pretended to be asleep for five minutes and then woke up anyway. She was still tired, but she’s a stubborn mule and refused to lay down again, so she was cranky. There is nothing I love more than being exhausted and dealing with a pissy toddler who is cranky because of their own choices. And here, we begin the five tantrums that started off our Cinco de Mayo.
- I would not let her have the remote to the lights in my bedroom that I keep on the night stand, because my eyes were not ready to be blinded. She was hanging off the bed, pointing to the night stand and screaming for the damn remote. After 5 minutes of this I gave in, because I am weak willed, and hid my face in between the blanket and the pillow as she turned the lights on. She thinks it’s hilarious when she can’t see because it’s 4:15 in the fucking morning AND NOBODY NEEDS LIGHT AT THAT TIME. She spent the next 10 minutes turning them on and off, and laughing as she tried to find my buried face and poke my eyes out.
- I would not let her put her hands in my large mug of hot coffee. I’m such a bitch mom, am I right? First of all, I wouldn’t need to make the trenta size coffee if she let me sleep until at least 5:30, and second of all, the last damn thing this kid needs is something like caffeine to keep her awake even more. She sat on the floor and screamed up at me as I drank it and did not let her have any.
- I finished brushing my teeth and she wasn’t ready for me to be finished brushing my teeth. Sometimes I hold her while I’m brushing my teeth in the morning because she gets joy out of helping me. She holds the end of the toothbrush and laughs her head off as I brush. But today I was already brushing for over a minute and my mouth was full of toothpaste foam and I was finished with the task. But she wasn’t. Tantrum 3 commenced.
- I tried to curl my hair. She wants me to be exhausted and have messy hair. Every time I tried to put the curling wand to my head she yanked on the cord and yelled at me. I gave up before she became successful in getting burned and then really had something to scream about.
- The babysitter came in. She hit me in the face the second she saw her and then hit the babysitter repeatedly. I don’t know why this kid is prone to violence. I worry for my future.
HAVE A BABY, THEY SAID. IT WOULD BE FUN, THEY SAID.
Is it too early for tequila?
The Mommy Minutes 
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