If you look at Instagram or Facebook (especially mine, because I can be obnoxious with my Charlotte postings) most of the time you’ll see all the photogenic moments of parenting life.  I have posted tons of pictures of Charlotte hating all the nice things and screaming her head off (she hasn’t hated anything in a while, which makes me happy and sad at the same time), but for the most part they are the best moments posted out there for all the world to see.  These are the moments that make people want to have babies.  Before I got pregnant I remember seeing all of the beautiful children of my friends and feeling my ovaries shake with longing.  I’m here to burst that bubble.

There is a LOT that doesn’t make it to social media.  I would say 99.9% of it doesn’t get a filter and a hashtag.  Case in point:  Last night before Charlotte’s bath I went to take off her clothes and her diaper in her room as I filled up the tub.  I realized that she pooped and thanked the gods it was before her bath and not after.  I then realized, as I opened the diaper, that I had nothing to distract her with.  Ninja baby went FULL FORCE because she knew it was bath time and wanted to get the hell into the tub.  I watched in horror and tried to stop her as she started violently flailing and kicking her body sideways to get away from me and the giant wad of wipes in my hand.  I’m sure you can guess what happened next.  Poop on parts of her that should never have poop.  All of the poop.  Screaming at me as I hauled her away from the poop.  I had to hose her off, let all of the water out of the tub and start again.  She thought this was hilarious.  I did not.

So you see – it’s not all rainbows and sunshine.  Sometimes it’s shit on your kids feet and legs and who knows where else.  And that’s certainly not something you’re going to Instagram.  (At least I hope you wouldn’t, you sickos).

#THEREWILLBEPOOP

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