Sometimes, the kid is an asshole

I’m not one to sugarcoat my words.  Most of you know that.  I curse a lot.  Some say it’s bad form and not ladylike, but that’s just the way this cookie crumbles.  I curse in front of Charlotte, partly because I know she has not reached the level of intelligence to repeat me, and partly because it’s just ingrained in my vocabulary and I don’t even realize I’m doing it.  But I’m sure that there are many of you out there that agree with me that nothing can convey your feelings like a good cuss word.  If you stub your toe, the first thing out of your mouth is probably going to be a bad one.  OH SHUCKSIES just doesn’t seem to convey the pain.  I feel this is also true in regards to babies.  Sometimes when your baby is being difficult, nothing can convey your feelings like calling the baby an asshole.  Because at that moment, the baby is BEING AN ASSHOLE.  Here are some examples:

• The constant ripping of the glasses off the face.  I’m sorry, but this is just an asshole move.  I haven’t figured out how to get her to stop doing this other than to not wear my glasses, which I can’t do because pregnancy fucked up my eye sight permanently.  It’s not like I’m going to hit her when she does it, so I just call her an asshole.
• When she won’t sleep for no reason.  Classic asshole move.  The assholiest, if you will.
• Last night when I picked her up to cuddle her and she took both her hands and violently clapped me on my ears so I heard ringing sounds for 30 seconds.  And then laughed.  Asshole.
• Throwing her food on the floor.  Or, even better, when she WIPES IT OFF HER TONGUE.  This is a new development and the highest level of disgusting.  Last night she was eating her squeeze pouch of spinach with brown rice and lentils so nicely.  The next second she was wiping her tongue off with her hands and trying to put it in my hair.  And then she laughed.  Lots of her asshole moves come with laughter.  I think that this is a defense mechanism so I think she’s still charming even when what she is doing is pure assholery.
• When she takes her toys and throws them.  Hard.  We have this electronic ball that moves on its own which is pretty cool and I thought she’d really get a kick out of it.  She got a kick out of it alright.  She picked it up and threw it at the wall.  It doesn’t move anymore.  What an asshole.

I should probably thank her though.  All of her asshole moves really are just good material to write about and talk about.  She is a fucking character I tell ya.