I’m starting to think my husband is planting bugs in our home whenever I’m alone with Charlotte to test me. Every time we have a bug incident he’s never there. The flying death beetle the day I found out I was pregnant? At work. The day there was a water bug in the hallway? At work. The cricket incident? Asleep. And NOW. NOW we have the worst story of all time, and he was out at a friends house OF COURSE.  

I got home Saturday evening after a dinner at Harold’s Deli in New Jersey with my parents and other family members. Charlotte was the same size as the chocolate cake and cried when it fell over, but that’s another story for another day. Anyway, I got home late around 8:30 so that’s way past her bedtime (mine too, if I’m honest). She was super sleepy so I was just going to feed her and put her right to sleep, so I turned the flashlight on my phone to go into her room and not disturb her with bright lights WHEN I SEE IT. A fucking water bug (which I immediately think is a roach because how the fuck am I supposed to know the difference? I’m not going to google that shit) just lounging on its god damn back on the floor in front of her crib. I can’t with this shit; I just can’t. So I immediately throw a blanket over the death beast and run into my room and text Eric the following:

“You need to come home RIGHT NOW there’s a bug in her room and I can’t deal with this and she needs to go to bed.”  

Eric tells me to kill it for Charlotte and I start ranting that I can’t, because I actually can’t. I mean I’m sweating, I’m convulsing, I’m not having a normal reaction to this thing. But I can’t help it. So now I am just assuming we have an infestation and we need to fumigate the house. I text my neighbor who unfortunately wasn’t home or else she would have been my savior and murdered the beast for me.  She told me to put on rain boots and stomp it 100 times. WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME. 

So I finally get Charlotte to sleep in my bed and I surround her with 50 pillows and I prepare. I go into her room, I put a towe over the blanket, I get two throw pillows and I put those on the blanket and towel protection, I roll one of her toys over it 100 times, I put on rain boots and I stomp stomp stomp stomp, and then I barricade the motherfucker in with a variety of things accessible to me. Here’s what it looked like:

After all that I said if the creature escaped it deserved to live. After a thorough check of the surrounding areas I put Charlotte in her crib. I’m really just awful because I put her to sleep in the room with that thing and ran into my room and barricaded myself in. I told Eric to deal with it when he got home because I wasn’t disposing of it. When he got home he said it was still slightly moving. WHAT THE FUCK. How am I supposed to get over my fear of these things if they WON’T DIE?!? My greatest concern is where it came from and how it got in. Yesterday I cleaned my entire place top to bottom and searched every possible crevice and there’s no sign of anymore, so I really think Eric planted it.

Please don’t send me anymore bugs to deal with alone, Lord. I can’t handle it. 

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