There are so many things I’m looking back on during my first year of motherhood as we approach the one year mark of Charlotte’s beautiful life.  Some of them are horrible, most of them are wonderful, and some make me question what the fuck I was thinking.  Here’s a little list of the dumb shit I’ve done as a first time mom.

  • Buying anything that says it will help my baby sleep.  OOOOH LORD the things I have bought.  I bought the swaddle blankets that stayed on her body for less than 15 seconds.  I bought the crib aquarium that has done nothing except scratch up the fucking crib.  I bought the sleep sacks that I now use as a dust cloth because she refuses to wear them.  I have purchased the purple Johnson and Johnson baby lotion that says it is CLINICALLY PROVEN to help baby fall asleep.  What fucking clinical trial was this?  What babies did they lather up that slumbered immediately afterward?  I WANT TO KNOW WHY I BOUGHT INTO THESE LIES.  I even once considering spending $150 dollars on some personalized online sleep coach that “guaranteed” results.  I have spent so much money on all of this useless shit and it’s taken me 10 months to realize that Charlotte will sleep when she wants to sleep and this is how it’s going to be.  Once I accepted that as a fact of my life, everything has gotten easier.  Some nights will be good, more nights will be bad.  Life lesson learned.
  • Freaking out about screen time and television.  OH MY GOD the amount of time I spent freaking the fuck out over Charlotte watching TV.  I wish I could get those moments back.  “NO TV BEFORE TWO OR YOUR CHILD WILL BE A DUMB FUCK.”  When she was about four months old I remember having this huge panic attack over the TV being on so I turned her body away from it while I binge watched Friday Night Lights and narrated the story line to her so she would get the interaction of words but not be killed by the television rays of death.  What a waste of my fucking time.  You know what?  I put Disney Junior on in the background EVERY SINGLE DAY of our lives and she barely pays attention to it.  She gets so excited during the Little Einsteins theme song and then goes back to playing with her toys.  She becomes enraptured with The Lion Guard song and then goes back to crawling into the kitchen to follow me.  She is not being dumbed down by TV.  Eric and I love TV.  We love movies.  We love video games.  We’re both fine, well adjusted people.  Well, I am anyway.  JUST KIDDING.  And the Little Einsteins teaches kids about African pottery and Felix Mendelhson.  How is that bad?  I could see if I was playing the hardcore porn channel for her, but IT’S FUCKING FELIX MENDELHSON.  That’s EDUCATIONAL.  I didn’t even know who Felix Mendelhson was before I watched the show so it’s teaching me shit too.  We’re learning together.
  • Googling any and all ailments.  Google is the god damn enemy of today’s parents.  I said to my mom recently that parenting must have been a hell of a lot easier before the Internet, and she said it was.  Why?  Because when I noticed one of Charlotte’s thighs was slightly larger than the other, I googled it and it told me she had hip dysplasia and would need a body cast.  So Eric and I freaked the fuck out and took her to the doctor like two assholes.  She’s had a stuffy nose for a couple of weeks and I googled that and it’s saying she’s got nasal issues and probably needs things removed from her brain out of her nose.  Google is the devil.  She’s got a stuffy nose because it’s fucking January and the temperature is swinging from 12 degrees to 46 degrees in two days.  THAT’S why she has a stuffy nose, Google.  If I can offer only one piece of advice to moms-to-be, it’s to stay the hell away from Google.
  • Buying toys.  We all know Charlotte hates the nice things.  Toys are pointless.  Last night I gave her a rubber spatula that I got from my bridal shower 4 years ago that I didn’t have to pay for and she was happy as a clam.  Just give your kids shit you already own.
  • Comparing your baby to other babies.  I’ve done this so many times.  Don’t do it.  Just don’t.  Every baby is so different that there is literally no point to this whatsoever.  Some babies sleep 12+ hours every night with no problems at all.  I hate those babies, and those mommies. (I’m kidding.  Maybe.)  Some babies get their teeth at 4 months and others get them at a year.  Some babies crawl at 6 months and others never crawl.  Every one is different, so just worry about what your own little spawn is doing and don’t compare them to other people’s little spawn.  It’s a much easier way of life.
  • Washing everything the second it hits the floor.  LOLOL.  Most people I know will wait until their second baby to throw this rule out the window, but I’m not most people.  Oh no, her toy fell on the floor of a restaurant for 3 seconds LET ME GET OUT THE COSTCO SIZE BOTTLE OF PUREL AND SANITIZE.  Fuck that.  Dip that shit in water and hand it back.  Good as new.

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