Eric: What happened to your butt? You used to have this big butt like out to here, but now it’s just a firm butt.
Me: Your daughter ate it off of me. I’m sure once I stop nursing it will go back to the way it was and be big again.
Eric: Okay, but like, is the rest of you going to be big too?
Me: She hasn’t shit all day.
Eric: I love a good easy pee diaper. Real quick pee diaper is good, but the poop ones. NO WAY.
Me: Isn’t she so cute? Sometimes I just want to squeeze her.
Eric: Sometimes I get so hyper when I look at her because she’s so cute that I bite her. I just bite her head.
Eric: Do you know how to do the dab?
Me: What the fuck is the dab?
Eric: *Imitates a ridiculous dance.*
Me: I don’t understand how you even hear about this stuff.
Eric: I have to stay hip with the times.
Me: But WHERE do you hear about it? Do you just google “hip dances?”
Eric: Um, Worldstar Hip Hop. It’s an app. The dab is easy, but the kwon is hard.
On Letting Charlotte Cry It Out
Eric: We have to be strong. We just have to be strong and do this and she will be better for it.
Me: Okay, but it’s your turn to go in there and comfort her.
Eric: But she’s crying and it breaks my heart and I don’t want to go in there. You go in.
Eric: I am exhausted.
Me: Me too. Me too.