In no particular order, here are all of the nice things Charlotte Shea Schwartz currently despises:

  • Sleeping far away from the 24 hour Vegas buffet that my boobs have become.  If she can’t roll over and have a meal mid sleep, she hates it.  It’s no wonder her thighs are the same size and shape as the Disney World turkey legs.
  • Pacifiers.  At 4 months old she ripped the pacifier out of her mouth, threw it on the ground and never looked back.  If I give one to her now she chews on it like a dog and then throws it.  So much for being a sleep aid.
  • Bibs.  Why should she need to wear a bib when she’s eating?  Why protect her clothes from baby food stains?  Why do such a thing?  She’d rather be ass naked anyway so it doesn’t matter to her if her nice clothes get stains all over them.  She isn’t doing the laundry either so she gives zero fucks.
  • Sitting down.  Now that she can stand up she refuses to sit.  Sitting is SUCH A NICE THING.  When I get on the subway and find a seat I race to it like it’s the fucking Pamplona Bull Run.  No sitting for her.
  • Safe toys.  Why play with nice safe toys when you can find a cell phone or a cell phone charger and shove that into your mouth and potentially be electrocuted? Or find the ONE LEAF on the floor that I didn’t catch with my daily vacuuming and put that in her mouth and GAG ON IT.  BECAUSE IT’S A DISGUSTING LEAF AND GOD KNOWS HOW MANY GERMS ARE NOW DOWN HER THROAT.
  •  Diaper changes.  The second her body hits the changing pad it’s war of the flipping babies.  The screaming and twisting and general disdain is out of control.  Oh, I’m sorry I’m trying to take the giant shit diaper off of your body.  Why would you like a nice clean diaper?  FUCK NICE CLEAN DIAPERS MOM.  FUCK THEM.



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