This morning I decided to take Charlotte out for a bit while the cleaning lady was in my home. That sounds so snobby even as I type it, but honestly working full time and being a mother full time, more often than not it’s just easier to spend some extra money on someone to scrub my toilet rather than do it myself. It’s my guilty pleasure and I love it. Anyway, Charlotte started freaking out before we left the house because GOD FORBID I put a coat or socks or a hat on the child. It doesn’t matter the temperature outside she wants to be ass naked in all her glory. I got her wiggly body into the car seat and off to the store we went. I got a coffee and she was fine and then she was fine for maybe 10 seconds in the store. The whining began so I took off her coat and hat and shoes and everything else touching her skin that made her act like I enveloped her in hot lava. But no. I had to go to the bathroom so I went into the family room hoping if she saw me sitting on the toilet peeing she’d be fine, but she screamed in there too. I got her to stop screaming by singing loudly, SOMETIMES WE HAVE TO DO PEEPEE! Even though the entire service counter right outside could heard me. She ripped her socks off because she wasn’t naked enough in there either. Bu then she didn’t just want to be naked and out of the family bathroom, she wanted to be naked, out of the bathroom AND out of the stroller. So I picked her up and put my bag in the stroller, because isn’t that what they’re really made for? Not to hold your darling baby, but to hold all of your other shit while YOU hold your darling baby. But Charlie girl is 20 pounds now and mama hasn’t worked out in a while and SHE IS HEAVY AND I HAVE SCIATICA. So I put her back in the stroller and then she decided to let everyone in the vicinity know just how powerful her lungs were. I swear the sounds echoed throughout all three floors. So even though I wanted new black jeans and to look at the Christmas decorations that were all 50 percent off, and even though I had coupons and really just wanted to walk around for some exercise, I decided it was better to leave empty handed than subject the poor people of Fresh Meadows to the beast. I put all of her outerwear back on, and she got louder. I got her out of the stroller and into the car seat, and she got louder. I pulled out of the spot and made it to the light on the corner and…she was quiet. I looked in the mirror and she was fucking asleep. ASLEEP WITHIN SECONDS. So basically she just took her I HATE ALL THE NICE THINGS mantra of life and applied it to her mother. You wanted new jeans and nice decorations to bring Christmas cheer to our home? Well fuck that! I own you!
So now I’m writing this from the car because she’s still asleep and I’m sick of driving around the neighborhood. Well played Charlotte, well played.