Traits of a dictator:

  • Cult of Personality
  • Making Laws Without Question
  • Lack of Public Involvement
  • Lack of Civil Liberties
  • Silencing or Repressing Oppression
  • Use of Terror/Intimidation

Why am I discussing this on a mommy blog, you ask?  Because BABIES HAVE ALL OF THESE TRAITS.  BABIES ARE TINY DICTATORS.  YOUR BABY IS THE NAPOLEON BONAPARTE OF YOUR HOUSEHOLD.  YOU ARE LIVING WITH A TINY KIM JONG-UN.

I shall explain.  But first let me just say that in no way do I think my baby is actually a mass murderer or your baby is a mass murderer.  The internet is a place of people who take shit too seriously and I’m afraid there will be those of you out there that think I actually think my baby is Hitler.  I don’t think my baby is Hitler.  I just think my baby THINKS like Hitler.  Minus the murder.

Cult of personality.  This translates to anything that an individual uses to make him or her seem more important than others.  Um, this is literally every baby.  Baby is hungry and you haven’t showered/slept/peed/changed your clothes in 7 days?  Baby doesn’t care.  Baby is MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOU ARE.  They will use their cry to make sure you know this.  Easy peasy.

Making Laws Without Question.  Your baby has been sleeping soundly in their crib for a month.  Your baby doesn’t want to sleep in their crib anymore.  NEW LAW IN TOWN MOTHAF*CKA.  I’m sleeping with you, or not at all, and I’m not going to even ASK for your opinion or consent.  Get me out of this crib PEASANT.

Lack of Public Involvement.  The public has no role in the laws of the government.  You and your spouse do not run this show.  You and your spouse and your family are at the MERCY of the baby dictator.  Sure, you can say you’re going to stick to a bedtime routine, or never co-sleep, or refuse to let your baby watch TV.  You think you have that much power?  HAHAHAHA.  Baby laughs.

Lack of Civil Liberties.  Laws the protect the people from the dictator.  Your baby is going to pee on you, poop on you, vomit on you, rip your hair out, twist your nipples, make you question your very existence on Earth.  And you can’t do a damn thing about it.  If that’s not a lack of of civil liberties I DON’T KNOW WHAT IS.

Silencing or Repressing Oppression.  You set rules and boundaries.  Please don’t put the remote in your mouth.  Please don’t try and escape from your car seat.  Please don’t stick your hand in your dirty diaper.  I’LL DO WHAT I WANT WHEN I WANT AND AIN’T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR YOUR RULES MOTHER.

Use of Terror/Intimidation.  Do I even need to elaborate?  Every mother out there knows this scene.  You’re sleeping, you hear a noise, you look at the baby monitor and you see your child’s head pop up.  Or, you hear your bedroom door creak open and READY OR NOT HERE I COME.  It’s time for some good old fashion SLEEP DEPRIVATION.  There is a REASON sleep deprivation is a torture tactic.  Babies know this, because BABIES ARE TINY DICTATORS.  I’ve made my point.

But MAN OH MAN do we friggin’ love them.  I wouldn’t trade this dictator ruling my life for anything in the world.

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