Actual conversation between me and Eric via FaceTime (thank God for video technology!)
Eric: How do you get shit out of the couch? She shit on the couch and it’s your fault. I blame you.
Me: How did she shit on the couch and HOW IS IT MY FAULT?
Eric: You told me to just leave her in a diaper to help with her heat rash SO I DID THAT and I was feeding her on the couch and she shit everywhere and it’s all over me and it got on the couch and I panicked.
Me: *Lots of laughter.* Well exactly how much is on the couch?
Eric: Well I wiped it up with the towel in the bathroom and then I used the baby shampoo because I didn’t know what else to do!
Me: *More laughter. My boss is hearing this and also laughing. Just generally lots of laughter happening.* Go under the sink and get the antibacterial stuff and also go under the kitchen sink and get the Lysol.
Eric then took the opportunity to show me all of the baby’s shit on his clothes and how she was just hanging out in her bouncy seat happy as a clam.
When I got home that day I inspected the couch and Eric really did a fantastic job cleaning up. I then noticed there was a giant SOMETHING on her mamaroo and really had no idea what it was. I texted Eric and asked him if it was carrots or shit. “Definitely carrots. Actually I don’t know. I have no idea what it is. There was shit everywhere.” PARENTING IS SO FUN YOU GUYS.