Letting Go of the Guilt

I am sure you’re all aware of the sleep issues I’m having with Charlotte. We are in the middle of a revolution, and Charlotte is the new world and I’m pissy old England. Charlotte is clearly winning. 

 For two nights Charlotte wasn’t feeling well and I let her sleep with me. I did this with my dog once 9 years ago. I should have known what was coming after. She obviously wanted to keep sleeping with me, so maybe I fucked up there. But then I tried cry it out on the advice of others and my baby cried so hard and got so upset that she threw up all over herself.  There is no way I can ever do that again. Maybe I’m weak but I don’t see how the two of us crying is going to help any of us sleep, especially when it leads to unnecessary vomiting.  Into my bed she came and we both slept. 

I know 90% of you are rolling your eyes so far back into your head that they may stay there. This tactic has always been on the wrong side of the parenting charts. I totally understand that too. Before we had a baby Eric and I always said NO BABIES IN OUR BED EVER. Then we had a baby and realized how fucking clueless we are.  But now I see that what works for one family may never work for another. Maybe your baby sleeps just fine in their crib for 10 hours. I applaud you, but now I realize that doesn’t necessarily mean you did something great in parenting, your baby may just be a naturally great sleeper. I’ve been putting so much pressure on myself every night to have her sleep alone and in her own room because it’s what society tells me she should be doing. But then I decided to factor in how our life is. Eric works nights and doesn’t come to bed until 2 AM. He then wakes up at 6 to be super dad for 6 hours until the sitter comes and he can take a nap before work. So every night, I’m alone with Charlotte for bed time and Eric needs to sleep as much as he can to be a functioning father. If the only way our almost 6 month old baby will be calm right now is sleeping next to her mama, why is that so bad? And why am I making myself feel like what I’m doing should be kept a secret and something to be ashamed of?  I’m not being a bad parent, I’m doing what I need to do to survive.  She will spend a couple of hours in her crib or pack and play but then when she wails she wants her mama and we just sleep better. When she sleeps with me I barely ever wake up when she eats. She just nuzzles up next to me. For half the night I’m alone in the bed anyway. I’m going to be 28 and I’m still afraid to sleep alone most nights, so I don’t know why it’s such a shock that my baby feels the same way.  This is just what works for us right now and I’m letting go of the guilt.

It’s okay if you don’t agree with my choices or call me crazy or say I’m doing it wrong. There may be something you do as a parent that I don’t agree with either. That’s just a natural part of life and healthy debate. I mean I don’t think one should wear leopard underwear under white pants, but if that’s your choice I’m not going to judge you.  I just ask that you don’t judge me as a mother and outright tell me I’m doing it wrong. I respect your opinions and advice, but don’t tear me down for letting my chubby beautiful muffin snuggle up next to me every night.   Last night I let go of the guilt and let her come in bed with me and it’s the best sleep I’ve had in weeks. We both woke up smiling and that’s something I won’t apologize for.  I don’t expect it to be this way forever. I’m going to let myself catch up on some much needed rest and then see if she’ll sleep on her own again, but removing the pressure from myself has been like taking a weight off my shoulders.  The important thing is that Eric and I are on the same page and we are. We both are on the same page when it comes to getting as much rest as we can!

As always, I thank you guys for reading and always giving me advice and being a raft when I feel like I’m drowning.  This blog has been like free mommy therapy!