Ever since Charlotte decided to go all Guantanamo on me and inflict extreme sleep deprivation, I have found myself playing the blame game. There has to be some reason as to why this child refuses to sleep for at least six hours (who am I kidding, at least five hours would be sufficient at this point. Fuck it, I’ll even take four and a half) and then I can just blame all the sleep problems on that reason. First I thought she was too hot, so I bought an evaporative air cooler, put both AC’s on in my house at all times (hello million dollar electric bill) and dressed her differently. Now she just wakes up with cold hands. Then I thought maybe it’s because she is just trying desperately to roll over, and whenever babies learn a new skill it fucks with their sleeping habits. She is now turning on her side every fucking night but not rolling over for shit and still waking up. Then I’m wondering, perhaps it’s because I have gone back to work, and she misses me so much during the day that she wants to nurse all night. I mean maybe this is true? Maybe this is why she eats like she is practicing to become a competitive eater and take out Joey Chestnut at the Coney Island Hot Dog Eating Contest 18 years from now? Or is it because my milk supply has dropped? How would I even KNOW THIS?! The oatmeal isn’t doing SHIT except just giving me one more fucking task to do and one more bowl to wash. “The oatmeal will help her sleep. It will fill her up.” Everyone who said this to me I’m really just waiting for your pants to catch on fire because you LIED. Now I’m seeing online that the introduction of solids can effect their sleep in a negative way. Google is the god damn enemy. Google also told me that if my baby is having separation anxiety that having something with my smell on it or my milk on it will help her settle herself back to sleep. So I’m obviously going home tonight and spraying my boobs ALL OVER her fucking crib sheet.
Maybe she is turning into a vampire baby because she’s getting a tooth. She has enough drool to fill up an Olympic sized swimming pool, shoves everything into her mouth that she can, including my jaw and chin last night, and just generally seems uncomfortable. That is the excuse I’m going for today. If I don’t have something to blame, then I will really lose my mind.
In the words of the great songstress Pink, “Just give me a reason, just a little bit’s enough.” Listen to Pink, Charlotte. Give your mother a reason.
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