Day One

I’m sitting at my desk at work as I type this.  I’ve been out of the house since 6:45 AM on very little sleep (because I was an anxious and neurotic mess, not because Charlotte was up at all hours).  Yesterday I was a wreck.  Yesterday I cried so many tears and had so many fears about coming back to work today.  This morning as I kissed my baby girl goodbye while she slept I cried even more.  Then I left the house and began a commute I’ve done hundreds of times.  And now?  Now I’m fine.  It’s strange how fine I am.  Part of me now worries and feels guilty about being fine.  I miss my baby and am continuously thinking about her, of course, but I feel like I never left my job.  I started organizing, I caught up with coworkers, I answered the phones, I opened the mail.  I did all of this and Charlotte is at home with her daddy, smiling and being the happy girl she was yesterday when I was home with her.  I’m not naive enough to think that every day will be like this.  I know to take it one day at a time.  I know that tomorrow could be worse than today, or maybe even better.  But the fact that right now, in this moment, I am perfectly okay makes me feel like I can do this for the long haul.  I know I have no choice, but I feel like instead of feeling like a prisoner because I have to work, that maybe this will make me a better me and a better mom.  I already pumped once and it wasn’t a disaster.  I had privacy, I video chatted with Eric and Charlotte, I ate my breakfast without it getting cold and having to reheat it.  I may have a headache and counting down the hours until I can leave at 4 PM, but I’m not staring at my screen holding back tears.  I feel a lot stronger than I did yesterday, and this to me, is a win.

The cafeteria lady also told me how skinny I looked and gave me my coffee for free, so you know, that may have helped a bit.

Thank you to everyone who reads these posts.  To all of you that take the time to comment and encourage me.  Mothers are the most beautiful souls on the planet.  Your words and thoughts mean more to me than you’ll ever know.  The world is a better and easier place when we build each other up instead of tearing each other down.  Thank you for building me up.