Step One: Baby has fallen asleep, slowly put her down and insert Jillian Michaels DVD
Step Two: Pump yourself up for a good workout. These last 5 pounds of baby weight shall be vanquished!
Step Three: Begin the warm up. You are swinging your arms with fierce power, you begin the jumping jacks. The eyes of the baby fly open.
Step Four: Finish warm up and begin strength training portion of the DVD. Get on the ground for first push up. Baby wails.
Step Five: Try to ignore crying. Crying gets louder. WHY ARE YOU CRYING BABY?! Mommy needs to get rid of the stomach pouch you caused! I don’t want to look like a damn kangaroo!
Step Six: Attempt to pick baby up and do parts of the DVD while holding baby. Begin squatting holding baby instead of holding weights. Baby likes this. Holy shit, she doesn’t cry at all.
Step Seven: Squatting portion finishes. Baby cries again, so you just ignore the DVD and squat. Realize this is what the baby likes now and you will be squatting until your legs collapse under you and you die.
Step Eight: Turn off the DVD, put on The Real Housewives of OC and breastfeed instead. Breastfeeding burns 500 calories a day, right? RIGHT?!
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