One Month. 

Today marks exactly one month until I have to return to work. Full time, an hour commute (let’s be real, when is it ever really an hour?) each way to Manhattan working mom status. I’ve been struggling with this for a while now, pretty much since around the time April hit. Let me just lay it out there. There is no way on God’s green earth that I can be a stay at home mom. Not living in NYC, owning a home (co-op, but whatever) and having the desire to give my daughter a life she can enjoy.  My job also wouldn’t really make sense for me to be part time either. And to be perfectly honest?  I wouldn’t want to take a pay cut. I’m 27, almost 28 years old, and I make a very decent salary in a job I actually don’t hate.  Now that I am a mother, my daughter is always going to be my number one priority, and as much as it kills me inside that I have to leave her for so long 5 days a week, I know that my job ALLOWS me to make the money that will make her my priority. I’ll be able to provide a roof over her head, food on the table, vacations, and all of the Disney toys she requires.  So heigh ho, heigh ho, it’s off to work I go. 
The days of dads making the money and moms staying home are long gone. But if that’s something that works for you then you rock that situation!   I honestly think the hardest part about going back to work is the mommy wars. I see so many things online saying “I could never leave my kids every day with a stranger or not be with them to watch them grow up!”  In today’s day and age saying things like that hurts 69.9% of working mothers. Some women love to stay home, some women have to work, some women WANT to work. WE SHOULD ALL SUPPORT EACH OTHER, NO MATTER THE SITUATION.  Am I going to miss Charlotte with every fiber of my being? Yes. Am I going to tell whoever is watching her that if she crawls or takes her first steps when I’m not there TO SHUT THE HELL UP AND NEVER TELL ME?!!  YOU BETCHA. But there is a part of me that relishes being able to wear nice clothes without spit up, talk to adults about adult things that don’t involve my nipples or the color of poop, and EAT A HOT LUNCH AT LUNCH TIME. Does this make me a bad mom? Absolutely not, and if you think it does then do me a favor and go fuck yourself, mmmkay?  FOR ME, to be a good mom is to also be able to be my own person as well.

I know it’s going to be hard though. I’m not naive about that. I know I’m going to cry and feel lost and sad and not know how to do everything right. It will take us a little while to fall into a routine and I’ll have to get used to pumping 3 times a day and I’m stupidly terrified that she’s going to completely forget who I am, but I see so many working mothers out there that make me believe it’s possible and will be just fine. I’ll need all the support from all of you moms when the time comes when I am sobbing at 2 PM because I miss my baby and won’t be able to see her for another 4 hours.  Hopefully once August or September rolls around I’ll be able to write a post about how we are just starting to manage our new routine just fine.