Charlotte is only two and a half (okay, closer to three…) months old but there are already so many things I want her to know for when she gets older, so I’ve done the normal thing and compiled a list on the Internet for everyone to read.
1. My sweet Charlie girl, as you grow I want you to know that you may be tempted to play around with your makeup. Your mama used to play around with her makeup too, and really it’s okay to experiment and find what works for you. But I promise if you experiment with white eyeliner like I did, your Uncle Nicky will make fun of you just like he still makes fun of me. But I still want you to feel free to make your own choices in life, so if you must try the white eyeliner, I will let you make your own mistakes. And I will take photographs of it so I can show you how silly it looks.
2. There are only two people you should shave your legs for. You should shave your legs for yourself in the summer time, and you should shave your legs for the woman who will be giving you a pedicure. Never shave your legs for a man. If you want hairy legs then you just go ahead and keep them hairy, but always shave for the pedicure lady. If a man demands you shave your legs for him, take out the razor and run it down the middle of his head. Bow down to no man!
3. No matter what job you have, make your own money and be independent. Your mama is dreading going back to work in July, but only because I have to leave you. I really like my job and having my own money to make my own choices. Your daddy and I split all of the household bills and to take care of you, but if I want to buy myself a new bag and your dad wants to buy himself a ridiculous pull up bar that he drilled into the doorway of our home, we both have our own money to do such things. Find whatever job you enjoy and keep that money for yourself. All the women who independent, throw your hands up at me! That can be our anthem baby girl.
4. Dating will eventually happen in your life even though right now you’re sucking on your own fist and trying to roll over. When dating begins, never order the salad. Unless you want the salad! But seriously, by the time you begin dating you will be well aware of how much I love to eat so you’ll realize that I was never one to order a salad on a date. The first night I went out with your daddy I ate a giant hot dog and two beers. On our second date I ate a large fries from Wendy’s dipped into a large chocolate frosty. I’ve been eating your father out of house and home ever since we’ve been together, and you should do the same! If a boy takes you out and you want the steak, order that steak and eat it with pride. Let there be no shame in your eating game!
5. Music is important. You already love to watch me sing and dance to Disney songs. But there will come a time in your life when you need to make difficult choices that will define your life. If your dad tries to force NSYNC upon you I want you to run away. You know what? I’ll buy you a referee whistle and if he tries to make you listen to them you can just blow the shit out of that whistle and I will come rescue you with the true gift of boy band music that is the Backstreet Boys. Now let me show you the shape of my heart!!!