Here are just a few of the things that have gone on inside my sleep deprived mind since becoming a mother:

“Do I really need to change her diaper right now?  It’s 2 AM and I don’t think she shit, but even if she does I don’t like her pajamas so I can just throw them out and not care.”

“I really hope she grows into this nose.”

“Can you please stop smacking your lips on my nipple?”

“I slept for 3 hours straight! I feel so refreshed! I am a new woman!” (I then put salt into my coffee.)

“Can you please lift your chin up a little higher so I can get the spit up out of your neck rolls?!”

“Why do you need to wake up right in time for the Real Housewives of New York City?  Please shut up and go back to sleep.”

“Please stop putting your foot right into the middle of your dirty diaper.  I am in no mood to bathe you today.  Or tomorrow for that matter.”

“She only spit up on this shirt 3 times.  Can I just let it dry and leave it alone?”

“I really don’t want to start exercising again, but I really don’t want to continue to be able to grab my stomach with both hands and shake it.”

“Don’t even look at yourself naked in the mirror.  I TOLD YOU NOT TO LOOK AT YOURSELF.”

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